


The Conditions of Madness and the Hope That Never Solves Them

by Quinhwyvar



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII), Canon Compliant Except for Before Crisis, Creepy Hojo (Compilation of FFVII), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, It's All Hojo's (Compilation of FFVII) Fault, LATER, M/M, Medical, Sane Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII), Sephiroth's (Compilation of FFVII) Terrible Childhood, Slow Build, Soft Sephiroth, Spoiler: It's All Hojo's Fault, War Is Rough, We're Working Through Emotions Here, Wutai War (Compilation of FFVII)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:28:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28016997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quinhwyvar/pseuds/Quinhwyvar
Summary: How many years has it been? How much of my life has been obliterated by Shinra? How many people hurt me? Sephiroth stares at his broken memories and wonders who cared about the boy dying in the hands of Shinra.No one wants to listen to his quiet screams except you.
Comments: 60
Kudos: 57





	1. Prologue: Can You Hear The Planet?

Fall, 1982

"Do you hear it, Sephiroth? Can you hear the planet?"

Sephiroth's fingers dig further in the dirt. It's clammy and bits get stuck under his nails. A funny smell hangs in the air since he dug it up minutes ago. He looks up at the doctor. His weight goes onto his hands and they sink further into the mud.

"Come on, _listen_ , can't you hear it? The song of your people?" His face twists.

The sky is blue behind his head. A whole universe is beyond those streaky clouds. That's what he learned yesterday from picture books. Hundreds of thousands of planets all painted as if they are spinning around each other. His eyes can't see that far but he can imagine them there. Sephiroth wonders if there is a better place out there than this.

"Concentrate." The doctor takes that view. He grasps Sephiroth's head, lowering it back down to the ground. Sephiroth's fingers are white slugs in their shadows.

"Close your eyes. Listen hard. Listen inward to yourself. Listen for your nature."

Sephiroth does close his eyes. He does listen. His fingers slide into the wetness. Air catches in his throat as the hand remains. He can breathe. He can concentrate. The hand is heavy. He can hear the planet. That's what they want. The doctors have been telling him he can over and over. The blood of the Ancients runs through him. Raspy sounds come out of his throat as he swallows and listens. The breeze tickles. Birds call to each other. Are they the blue ones today or the red ones from yesterday?

Something shocking and cold brushes his fingertips. He giggles and leans back. The hand rolls off as he straightens.

"The planet isn't calling today." The worm is gooey in his hands as he shows him. "But isn't this the biggest worm you've ever seen?"

"Why do I do this?" The doctor stands up so fast that Sephiroth falls back. Grass flies from his knees and into the hole. Sephiroth's gut twists as the man walks away. He did something wrong again. The worm roots around in his hand blindly.

"This is pointless, all of it," he says to the woman watching from the porch. He thinks he can't hear him, Sephiroth realizes.

"Give him time. He's only two." She smiles but it is the disconnected one she uses when something confusing is about to happen.

"He's running out of time."

"No, you're running out of patience."

"Does it matter?"

"He'll figure it out. He has to."

He stares at the worm trapped in his fingers. Their conversation continues out without much concern for him. The worm rolls and loops. Eventually, it ties itself in knots and goo leeches off it. The color shimmers from brown to rainbow. Can it hear the planet? Sephiroth lets it go and it slides back into the ground. Something cold curls in his stomach.

What will happen if he doesn't hear this song soon?

Like the doctors say, he has to hear it.

But all he hears is silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello folks! I am back and this time in a new fandom. How exciting! A couple of ground rules for this story as we get started:
> 
> This is going to get dark. It will not touch the territory surrounding things like noncon but Sephiroth lead a rough life, medically and emotionally and has unhealthy relationships within Shinra. Essentially, Hojo is a terrible person and Sephiroth is an unreliable narrator. If this makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to read on. This is your warning.
> 
> For those of you coming from my Marvel stuff, this is much darker than any of the SM stuff.
> 
> I've been writing this for...four months now? I'm 75k in and this story is broken down into five parts focusing on different stages of his life. I'm halfway through part three. This story should stop around the Nibelheim events and when we get to CC, I won't be explicitly rewriting it. I wrote this to challenge myself with the topic and the length. It's a monster.
> 
> Yes, Sephiroth joining Smash with that ridiculous trailer pushed me over the edge to start posting.
> 
> I won't promise an upload schedule yet but if I've got a short chapter, I might go ahead and post two.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Are you excited? Are coming back to the fandom after that crazy trailer?
> 
> Thanks for reading -Quin


	2. Part I: Forgetting, Forgot

**PART I: Forgetting, Forgot**

"The choice was once

your choosing,

before losing

became my loss.

I was there in

your forgetting —

until I was forgot."

-Lang Leav

-

Chapter 1 - Acting Your Age

Fall, 1983

It is five days after the first accident.

Sephiroth counts every day like it lasts a year. Being in bed dries him out.

Today is better. His bedroom is clear, not green or fuzzy. Food stays in his stomach like it is supposed to. He wants to go outside now. His legs hurt to run up and down the hill and even chase the dog until he catches him. He tells Mariella that he's better. His doctor doesn't believe him. She says that he only got exploded five days ago and to be patient. Sephiroth insists until both doctors check him over just to quiet him down. Landon holds his face with twiggy fingers and takes his temperature. His teeth crack against the glass. Mariella shakes her head so her braid wags. The reading is good.

They unwrap his arm. It smells sour but they touch the new skin all over. It tickles. He squirms as they take photos.

The leg cast cracks off. White dust floats through the air and he proves he can walk by running between them immediately. The floor spins underneath him. Mariella shouts. Landon catches the back of his shirt but it slips through his fingers.

Sephiroth runs hard. The leg wobbles but his bedroom falls behind and the house grows before him. The wooden ceilings stretch over his head and the dark corners are less scary. He has to slow for the main staircase to take one step at a time. He's been patient. He's been waiting. Now he's almost out. He's unstoppable. The hurt is over. After everything, he can't imagine anything worse than staying in bed.

He gets the front door and yanks on his boots before opening it. The cold air shocks him and he stumbles across the porch. The sun is warm but the snow makes his eyes dizzy. It wakes up anything in him still asleep. He's stretching as he looks further than any of his walls would allow. The black patterns on the tree branches and the blue sky are all new to him again. He rolls into the snow. Ice clumps on his pajamas. He doesn't care.

He rolls until all he can smell is dead leaves and snow. The doctors keep telling him he has a connection with the planet and, at that moment, he pretends it's real. He stops and presses his back hard into it. It snowed yesterday, he had watched it before falling asleep. The dampness soaks through his shirt already. They say he should feel something like a hug or an energy or a song but none of that made any sense to him. His chest rises and falls as he thinks about a warmth filling him, making the cold go away from his fingertips.

Sephiroth turns his head, the white covering his face and he pretends to hear one of the songs that Landon plays on Sunday evenings. The planet is here, he imagines it sings, and ready to save him from the doctors and the awful woman in his dreams. He sighs, releasing his grip on the snow. Imagination can't put the song here. His ears hear nothing but his breathing. The wind and the birds fill his head but that isn't the song of the planet.

Snorting makes his eyes open.

Charlie finds him. The dog sits on his stomach, punching the air out of him. Sephiroth laughs and brings his hands up to scratch him behind the collar. The drifting fur makes him sneeze. Charlie doesn't get to go in the bedrooms so Sephiroth hugs him extra hard. The dog grunts and his nose digs into his neck before the licks start.

The door opens again and he pulls the dog closer.

"So you are feeling better." Mariella crouches down next to him. Sephiroth knows that she is young but she never looks it. It's her eyes. They always look dark. Snowflakes cover her brown hair.

"Yes." he scrunches up his face.

"It's freezing out here."

Sephiroth hugs the dog tighter. "I know."

Her hand goes on his free weird arm. "Those were fourth degree mako burns, mister. Bad ones."

"Yes." He pulls the dog over his eyes. Charlie takes it with a grumble and investigates Sephiroth's armpit.

"I thought you wanted to act older."

"Is it my birthday yet? Am I four?" He asks and realizes too late that he has opened his mouth up to a sea of fur.

"Not yet. Next week." Fingers drag into his hair and she ruffles it. "How did you survive that first night? What's your secret?"

The question is asked to him but Sephiroth gets this funny feeling that it is not meant for him.

"I know," He says anyway. Silver mixes with the yellow as she pushes the dog away.

Her full face looks down at him. "You do?"

"Hmm." He drags the dog back over.

"Go on, tell me."

He coughs into the fur and then his finger slips from Charlie's collar. He lumbers off of him, a paw scraping across his forehead. She leans into his vision. One eyebrow is up.

"Adults can't keep secrets." He folds his hands on his stomach. His eyes watering and his back freezes.

"Kids can't either. Let me in on this one."

He swallows. "It's magic."

She stares at him, long and hard. He struggles to sit up. The breeze pushes his silver hair in front of his eyes. She studies him as if he has said the most complex puzzle in his riddle book.

"You." She laughs finally, breaking up the stare. "What am I going to do with you? How am I even going to describe what just came out of your mouth?"

"Then don't."

"Okay, Sephiroth, I won't." She reaches and grabs him under his shoulders. "But if you're going to act like a baby, I'm going to carry you like one."

"No." He pushes as she grunts and drags him up with her. His feet leave the ground and he kicks wildly. She settles him against her stomach and takes a step. A drift makes her stumble.

"I'm not a baby," he shouts and pushes against her chest.

"Hitting harder than usual today," she grunts and pulls him up before dropping him an inch. "A bigger baby. Come on in so I can change your diapers."

"Not funny," he says it loud enough that it comes back from the mountains and she laughs harder. He is done with all of that. It shouldn't have ever happened. They forced it on him.

She takes another step, wobbles and sets him down on his feet. His hand remains trapped in hers and he looks up at her. She brushes a finger against his cheek. It's warm and he maybe hates having his hand held just a little less.

"Alright, come on. You are going to get sick in this cold and we need to run a few more tests. I'm interested in those new eyes color. Then, I'll help you get bundled up for all the yard time you want, okay?"

"Just say I didn't wear diapers."

"You certainly did, but not anymore."

It would have to be good enough for him.

"Now, to the tests."

He follows her back in the mansion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback so far! I really appreciate it.
> 
> I love trying to put together the pieces of what we know about Sephiroth's past into something that might have happened.
> 
> Also writing cute young Sephiroth is incredibly fun. I feel like when we are kids, we are so much more willing to enjoy the little things.
> 
> Drop me comment or kudos and let me know.
> 
> Thank you for reading as always.
> 
> Quin
> 
> The poem belongs to Lang Leav and is used as respectfully as possible. If requested by the creator, I will take it down but I just adore it for this part.
> 
> Minor non-essential changes made 12/18/20


	3. Project S Report #831128

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mariella reports Sephiroth's condition to Hojo, says interesting facts and extends an ominous invitation.

Chapter 2 - Project S Report #831128

**CLASSIFIED. CLEARANCE: EXECUTIVE. SHINRA ELECTRIC POWER COMPANY. HARD COPY ONLY. STORAGE #31 - NIBELHEIM MANSION.**

**Project S Report #831128**

**Project S Report**

Monday, Nov 28, 1983 at 8:24 AM

From: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

Cc: **Landon Lemb** <l.lemb@shinra.org>

To: **“r.hojo@shinra.org”** <r.hojo@shinra.org>

—

Hello Professor Hojo,

I hope that you are well and that the new plate is progressing even with that record amount of snow in Midgar. Nibelheim is, as the locals call it, "tucked in for the winter" since last week. This means our new thigh high snow drifts are going to stay for the rest of the season. It is pretty but makes getting shipments close to impossible. As long as we don't lose power or the internet again, I can't foresee any problems. The pantry is stocked and local providers are still producing the staples.

We are writing to report the recent accident and progress with Project S.

On November 18th, Sephiroth was accidentally exposed to high level of mako in the mansion's basement. He says that he was chasing the household dog and they went downstairs. According to his account, the pipe broke while he was in the room. The initial explosion must have rendered him unconscious and due to the density of the gas, it kept him under. We are guessing that the break happened around 10:30 AM and we found him at 11:03 AM. It gives him an approximate exposure of 30 minutes to high density mako.

Sephiroth sustained fourth degree mako burns on most of his right arm and his right leg where the mako blew directly on him. He was unresponsive upon discovery. Landon and I gave him immediate treatment starting with an infusion of boosters, steroids and an I.V. flush. The infusions stabilized his vitals. We did try to use traditional healing methods but the high level of mako disrupts the use of magic.

At this point, the snow had started and landlines and internet were out by a downed tree.

By some miracle, Sephiroth was cognizant and awake the next morning. He was showing deadly levels of mako poisoning in his bloodwork but could answer simple questions and had feeling in the damaged limbs. Progress continued at a rapid pace and by the fifth day, the burns were scarred over and we could not keep him in his bed.

The physical changes continued to appear. We hypothesize that the JENOVA cells are reacting to the planet's natural stimulation. In the last ten days, he has grown 1 1/2 inches and gained 15 lbs, most of this has been muscle mass from his BMI. He can lift the sixty pound dog and walk across the room without trouble. All of this and more is formalized in the comparison report attached to this email.

We are requesting an observational visit at your earliest convenience. The mako has awoken the Cetra cells in Project S and has physically strengthened him. Our progress is significant and we wish that you see it in person, weather permitting.

Thank you,

Mariella Haynes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reports and letters will be intermixed with chapters. Since they tend to be short (physically, not in content), I'll try to get the next chapter out shortly.
> 
> What do you think?
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> -Quin


	4. Project G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sephiroth meets Hojo and that always goes well.

Winter, 1983

Sephiroth doesn't know what Project G is.

He's spent time thinking and putting together the pieces that he's found. None of them fit. It builds in the back of his mind like a strange shadow on the back wall, all claws and teeth. All he knows for certain is that Project G is bad.

The toast on the dining room table stares at him. He's sitting in front of it wondering why he's been asking for it. The one bite he took was dry and terrible. The office door is open. Mariella left it that way when she rushed in there. Now her head is heavy in her hands. Landon leans against the desk and reads the computer screen hundreds of times.

"How do they know for sure that Project G is a success? How? This late? How could they have pulled ahead of us?" She asks.

The office is a mystery. The room is small and each wall has a table pressed against it. The table pushed up against the window has a computer and equipment covered in it. Books and files hang high stacks on the other two. The blinds are closed most of the time. Sephiroth wants to look at everything. Recently, he's realized that machines are built of smaller parts and that the pieces work together. This is fascinating. Pulling thin pieces of metal like ribs out of the phone by the door lasted hours. They had made him put it back together. That was fun.

Marella shakes her head again. He's memorized even the pattern of the viney rug in the forbidden room. Every time he goes in, they push him out. The butter on the toast has disappeared. He pulls at the stiff belt digging into his stomach and these shiny shoes pinch his toes.

"They have four years of research on us. That doesn't mean that we aren't going to be more successful," Landon says. His arms are crossed. The morning light makes him dark against the open window. Sometimes Sephiroth thinks that he isn't seen by the thin doctor. Sephiroth is invisible until he wants something. That's okay with him.

"We have Hojo and we've been using G's research through the back door." She leans further forward. "What will happen if they race ahead? What solution haven't we tried yet?"

Guilt. He looks out the window. It's snowy. Christmas is coming soon. He's supposed to go sledding. Mariella always gives him a strong push and it sends his heart flying. Afterward comes the warm drink and the fireplace. It's a promise. Or he hopes it is. This email scares Mariella so much that she forgot to close the door. Sephiroth stays still and silent at the table. He's invisible again.

"Look, read what it actually says: _'Secondary experiments have shown promising signs and indications of Cetra behavior.'_ They are blowing hot air. We are using the same base materials and they are not directly observing." Landon clicks and the document disappears. "They must know about today. They want us to worry, to throw us off. We are achieving the product."

"Not the objective that we are funded for." She runs her hands through her hair and looks up at him.

Sephiroth nibbles a bite out of the toast. It's still dry and he looks for his orange juice that is in the kitchen. If Project G wins, it could hurt them. Project G is a monster. He sits cross legged, putting together different heads and legs that make it up. Does it breathe fire? Does it have wings? He brushes crumbs from his sweater. It smells like the box that it came out of. It makes him look "presentable".

"What have they gotten factually? Nothing. We are doing the real science. The hard science." He curls his hand on her shoulder.

"The exposure should have killed him. It was _lethal_." He's heard this over and over. The leaking pipe in the basement should have killed him. The explosion was too violent. It burns. It kills. It's the anger of the planet. Then they say mako is the love of the planet. He chews on the bread and swallows it. All he knows is that the men that came to fix it dressed up in yellow suits and wore masks that hissed.

"It didn't and now Project G has weaved outright lies," he says. Landon is softer today. There are bags under his eyes and he's hunched forward. There was no music last night coming form his room.

"What _is_ Project G?" Sephiroth asks. He's saying it before he realizes that he is asking and then it is too late. Mariella stiffens. Landon's eyes find him sitting at the table right outside of the door.

"Nothing that will affect you," he says, "You need to concentrate on growing up."

"Is Project G a monster?"

His face twists as he walks up to the door frame. "Not a monster, no, not intrinsically."

Sephiroth shifts in his chair not understanding. Whenever the doctor looks at him, his feet want to run. The twiggy doctor studies him. The back of the chair meets Sephiroth's spine. Something crosses his mind over and over again and repeats itself in his eyes. It gives him the same feeling like when he smelled the dead bird outside.

A coldness falls over the doctor and he pulls his own suit straight. "Go watch for our company."

The door closes.

He slips out of the chair to watch at the window. He isn't hungry.

Company comes in a large black car that is so new that the general store's magazines don't feature it yet. The tires cut through the snow and pull in front of the house. The front gate opens for the car without Mariella pressing the button inside the front door.

Three people come out of the car, all men wearing black. The snow ghosts them as Mariella welcomes them in. Her tears are gone. Two of the men are huge and bulky. One is skinny under his coat and his glasses hang on the edge of his nose. Sephiroth closes the curtain. They don't ever have guests.

"Like we practiced, Sephiroth," Landon says. His fingers clamp over his shoulder and Sephiroth twitches. It was time for his spot and best behavior. His words came out like a growl so he holds his breath. The chair in the living room waits for him. Landon places him in it like a toy. His toes don't touch the floor.

The doctor moves from the room, much faster than he had seen before.

The fireplace is to his left and he stares into the flames. It's warm and calms his stomach. It is going to be okay. Shoes stomp and the hangers by the front door clatter. He puts his hands in his lap. He can't remember which hand is supposed to go on top of each other. Ten adult steps from the front door is the main lobby. He would get his first view of their company then. They chat about the drive. It was easy but long. The town is small. The snow is deep. They are eager to get back to Midgar. Mariella asks about the new plate. They will email her pictures. It is a marvel.

Sephiroth switches which hand is on top. He convinces himself either way he will get scolded.

"And here is our marvel, professor," Mariella says, appearing and pointing at him without looking, "Sephiroth."

The company comes into view and he sits as straight as he can. The skinny man comes first and Sephiroth forgets to look at the others. The black coat is gone. Underneath it is a neat outfit. The turtleneck of the shirt makes his head look like it swivels on its own. Glasses shine in the firelight and black hair drapes down his back. He's all sharp angles. The heels of his shoes click against the hardwood.

He crosses the room in a second and crouches in front of him. His knees dig into the edges of the chair. This man stares with such deep fascination that it starts ripping him apart. He splits under the intensity and tries to look away. He can't. The scientist is too close.

"Hello Sephiroth, do you remember me?" Cigarette smoke breath chokes him.

Sephiroth shakes his head. He wants to look behind him, to Mariella, but this man takes over everything. He fills the room until everything else is gone. He worries his lip, a habit that Landon has been trying to break.

"It was a long time ago," he says, "I am Professor Hojo. I've been taking care of you from Midgar."

He extends a hand. The fingers are thin and covered with silver scars. Carefully, Sephiroth puts his hand in his. It's rough and still cold from being outside. Professor Hojo shakes it like the way they had practiced with him. He's even closer now, somehow. The world can't put air between them. They look eye to eye but all Sephiroth can see is his scared face in the circular lenses.

"It's nice to meet you," he recites in a whisper.

The left corner of his lip curls up.

"It's nice to meet you too."

Sephiroth's voice feels tight but he has managed the words. Mariella should be proud of him. He tries to look behind Professor Hojo but can't. The room is small. It is just them. He's alone and small.

The smile breaks the stranger's face like it doesn't belong there. "Let me take a closer look at you."

"Okay."

The hands attack him, grasping his chin and forehead, twisting him into profile. It hurts. Sephiroth brings up his arms and a leg to kick back. No. He drops them. It is okay. The smoke smell is in his nose and mouth as Professor Hojo comes so close that he can feel his warm breath. The fingers dig through to his skull.

He squeezes his eyes shut. The darkness is better. He clutches onto the arms.

"Yes, I can see her features and of course you've inherited the brain…" He mutters.

Sephiroth's heart pounds. He should be safe. He should be okay. The back of his chair won't let him lean any further.

The clamping hand on forehead smooths and runs back through his hair. It's like snow down his back. He squirms. The fingers drape across the back of his neck, lazy but firm. He cracks an eye. Professor Hojo's eyes are inches from him. Both doctors have done something like this before but the grip is different. Sephiroth can't move his body. It doesn't belong to him. He's trapped.

"When did his eyes change, Ms. Haynes?" Professor Hojo asks and that releases Sephiroth. The room is huge again. Mariella is standing next to Professor Hojo with her hands laced. She's right there. He focuses on her calm face as the man pries his lips apart to look at his closed mouth.

"The vertical pupils have been a feature since birth but the mako exposure did change the color. They were blue and now they are a distinct blue green," She says steadily.

He had taken him all week to get used to the new colors in the mirrors.

The professor hums. "The silver hair is inherited from your mother. Her gift to you, among many, we hope."

Sephiroth wants to ask but his jaw is locked as his head is swiveled the other way. Two fingers dig into his throat. Two other fingers roll across his teeth. Sephiroth shakes.

"Anything else to report besides the promising?"

Snaps click near his ear and he flinches away. She's calm as she watches all this. It must be okay. She would stop him if this is wrong. He holds onto the chair anyways. The room spins until he takes a breath.

"Nothing significant since Thursday. Only steady progress."

"96 BPM, you are one stressed kid under the surface, aren't we?" Professor Hojo asks softly. The fingers stop jabbing and the professor withdraws back to a squat. The space between them is miles. Sephiroth's chest flutters up and down. Everyone is looking at him. He wants to leave, to go up to his room, to go under the covers where no one would see him. Landon stands near the door. His eyes tell him everything he needs to know.

He sits in his chair and wiggles his legs.

"Coffee, conversation, and a smoke." Professor Hojo stands. The attention goes to him. "Landon?"

"Of course," he says and turns to the kitchen.

Sephiroth crumples in the chair. All attention is gone as the professor sweeps across the room. He's nothing against the power of the stranger. He must be cold. He can't stop shivering.

A finger taps on his shoulder and he jumps.

"Why don't you head upstairs for a few minutes? I'll come get you if we need you," Mariella's voice is warm. He doesn't wait another second. He disappears. He needs the space, the air, everything he can put between him and the professor. He would throw the mountains and snow between them if he could.

He's more monstrous than Project G.

Dinner comes. Sephiroth is called back down and eats, trying to be invisible again. He doesn't say a word. The food is tasteless. The carrots are pale and the laughter is thin. Professor Hojo stares only at him from his own chair at the head of the table. He hardly talks. The meat on his plate is divided into square chunks and are eaten from right to left.

Sephiroth doesn't belong to himself. This man reads him like a book. The fork with a piece of cubed meat pauses close to his lips as they make eye contact.

Sephiroth sees the future happening.

Professor Hojo reaches across the table and shoves his hand down Sephiroth's throat. The long fingers swim down, cold and sharp, as Sephiroth chokes. The nails snag his guts and draw them out of his mouth, spreading them long across the table. They are bloody and snake-like. First, he read them like a magazine, dragging them around with his knife and looking for something he doesn't have. Then Professor Hojo dissects them with his fork and knife. He starts with his heart and stops with his guts. Everything turns into small squares of meat. As Sephiroth dies suffocating and sluggish, he watches the man eat the neat squares right to left. The other adults don't stop him. They only clear away the dirty dishes with their heads down and bring napkins for him to wipe his lips.

Later, they clear his body out with the trash, helpless of any other option.

Professor Hojo doesn't do that.

He smiles instead.

It's scarier.

They leave shortly after dinner. Mariella's lips are tight. Landon's hand is on the door frame. Sephiroth hovers behind them.

Only when the car pulls away does he feel the ice melt in his stomach and he bursts into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for that little delay. Editing this was monstrous. I feel like I rewrote a good 40% of this. I find Hojo tricky to write. I'm too nice to see things from his angle. Hopefully I do him "justice" in this story.
> 
> Thanks for reading as always and happy holidays,
> 
> -Quin


	5. Anxiety. Loneliness. Fear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hojo has grand plans.

Winter, 1983

Mariella and Landon are arguing.

Sephiroth sits against the edge of the step at the top of the stairs. His fingers curl around the banister rod. The moon shines through the window behind him, dragging his shadow down and cutting it up in strange ways. He hurts and his body aches. Every time when he tries to sleep, he closes his eyes to feel long nails crawl down his throat. If it isn't him, he's dreaming of a scary woman. He shakes at the shouts from below. He is so tired.

They argue in the kitchen. Charlie sits by him, his head heavy in his lap. A wet spot seeps on his leg where his mouth is. Sephiroth works his fingers through the fur on the dog's neck. The warm near the skin disappears at the ends of the yellow fur. They shout and then hush each other. Mugs and plates clatter.

Sephiroth didn't stand a chance at staying awake.

"Twenty minutes of mako exposure once a week for five weeks," Landon says, "It's too much."

Mariella's voice is high. "You've read it. I've read it. This is what he wants."

Feet scuffle on the tile. "This is too aggressive. Even for me."

"We can be careful. We can stop it if needed."

"Cellular degradation starts immediately with repeated exposure. I'm not even getting into memory loss."

Charlie's eyes come up to him as he shivers. Exposure is bad. The green stuff changes him. It makes him twist in and expand out. He's used to growing but this is different. His arms are thicker now, muscles grow where he only saw kid arms before. Sephiroth curls up closer against the banister. His fingers feel out all the imperfections in the wood.

Landon continues. "If we go with this plan, we cut his life in half. He won't make it to fifty. Guaranteed."

"I didn't know you cared, Landon."

There is a pause. Pots move around. "We have been doing this two and a half years. I do what I need to. He's a product and I'll drive him to achieve that but I still remember burping him or the first time that he tied his own shoes."

His arm tingles as he thinks about laying alone in the basement until they found him. The pain had pounded him so badly that he can't remember it. They wanted to do more of that? Sephiroth tastes blood in his mouth. He's split his lip again.

"We had a response. A good response. Let's study that instead of instigating further. Sephiroth's cells are still mutating from the last exposure," Landon says. Mugs click in the sink. Water splashes. The soap bottle squeals.

"He's not our kid up there, Landon. Hell, he's not a real kid at all. I like to pretend it too but a three year old can't read, alphabetize our library as a chore or learn fundamental electronics," Mariella says and the dishes stop. "He's a half Cetra. He's half a species that can save the planet and all the humans on it."

Charlie moves. Sephiroth jumps. He's not supposed to be hearing this conversation. He is sure of that.

The dishes clatter again.

"The people in SOLDIER have to sign a consent form. They get to read it with a real member of the R&D. If they have questions, we answer them _honestly._ If they don't do it, they sign an NDA and do something else. Sephiroth can read early chapter books."

"He's getting good at them too." She laughs.

"He thinks he's being sneaky about it."

"Of course he does. He's Sephiroth."

He wipes the cut on his lip. Landon pays attention to such things? He hides his reading, to keep out of the way and so he can dream of being the heroes on the covers. The pages make the mansion disappear. It is one of the only things that makes those round glasses collapse into a bad memory.

When he focuses again, the laughter stops. The dishes are being stacked.

"He is owned by Shinra. Hojo has the right to waive the consent form," Mariella says slowly. The water cuts off.

"Anxiety. Loneliness. Fear. Extreme cases, paranoia, statistically these increase greatly without pre-SOLDIER training. He could even be experiencing them now."

"Hojo knows that. He also knows that this happens only if the exposed are not given specific and emotional treatment. He's sent us a new program to implement with the exposure."

"What if he pulls us off the program? Halfway through someone else steps in and ruins it?" Landon asks.

"That's why we have to keep being the best scientists that we can be."

Sephiroth looks at the moonlight. Snowflakes are falling. Small dots fall down the stairs. Charlie snores next to him. They aren't his parents. The two adults were helpless at the dinner. They couldn't save or protect him. Their words feel thin and flimsy.

"He's _three_ with maybe the emotional capability of a six year old. We could wait a year. Give time for the current mako to settle down. See how much we can physically enhance him. The Cetra instinct comes out naturally."

She pauses, "We can't think of him like that. We lose that game. You know that we lose that game. Project S loses. Midgar loses. Humanity swallows the last of the mako and starves."

"Objectivity," He says like how Sephiroth feels when he closes a finished book.

"He's an experiment. A cute, possibly very scared, project."

"We need to stop those nightmares."

"Memory loss might help him."

He chokes a laugh. "That's a terrible joke."

Sephiroth's blood runs cold. He pulls himself to his feet. The shadow pools at the bottom of the stairs.

"We will get our results and move on. There is no crime in what we are doing."

He wonders what Mariella would think about Landon if she knew the truth. Landon had sent him down to the basement all those weeks ago. Sephiroth was supposed to get a jar of peaches for dessert. It was to surprise her for dinner. Sephiroth had glanced at the strange wiring on the ceiling before the mako pipe burst.

He had been told to lie and if he didn't, he would be locked in the closet. The doctor's eyes told him this would be true. So Charlie had been running around and Sephiroth was chasing him. No one wondered about the dog. His pupils are brown and happy.

He starts back towards his bedroom. The fear is in his stomach. Mariella doesn't care for him, not truly. Landon does care for him but it is not enough. They are going to put him back in that dark place where he can't feel anything. Then when he wakes up, he will be trapped in bed. The mako will twist his arms and legs. It might even bend his mind.

They will lead him into the place that he cannot be.

He walks quicker.

So he's going to go instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how many of you suspected the "accident" from the beginning. I always knew so it is hard to tell.
> 
> Thanks for reading as always and happy holidays.
> 
> -Quin


	6. The Conditions of Bravery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sephiroth discovers the horrors of schooling and a new stranger shows up at their doorstep.

Winter, 1983

Mariella taps his paper again. "Just five more and then break time and cookies."

They sit at the dining room table. Sephiroth hunches over a worksheet and tries to figure out the math on it. He can count but he's being taught something called "subtraction" and that requires counting backwards. Nobody told him this silly skill would be necessary.

Mariella eyes him for a minute longer before taking a drink of tea and turning the page on the book she's reading.

The snow is coming down outside. Thick drifts make Nibelheim disappear from his memory. All he can see is blankness. He needs it to stop and for everyone to shovel their way down the mountain. That will be the day that he takes Charlie and runs away. He's read a map in the library. Straight south from here is a ship port. Maybe he can be a stowaway like in one of his books. Where he goes after that doesn't matter. It'll work out.

"Dreaming of Christmas? Hmm?" She asks. "How many days until then?"

"Well-"

She waves the pencil and writes yet another equation on his sheet. "Let's do the subtraction. It's the 21st and Christmas is on the 25th. 25 minus 21."

He squints at her. She's made the holiday into something worse: school. There has been a frightening upturn in him sitting and working on papers. Papers that get scanned and thrown away. It is pointless and makes him tired. He does well on them but he would rather be doing other things.

"25 minus 21. The twenties cancel each other…leaving us…what?"

Then came the rise in chores. Sephiroth has never felt the urge to argue but did the first floor need to get swept every other day? Or how he has to be the one to go down to the pantry in the basement to haul potatoes up to the kitchen? Charlie's daily walk is the only chore he truly enjoys.

"Five minus one," he supplies.

"And that is?"

He sighs and glares at her smile. His brain hurts. He's been thinking so much lately. They've been asking him harder and harder school questions and then his own escape planning takes up everything else. He falls asleep immediately now and dreams of nothing. Christmas is not on his mind. Last year, he had tried to guess what his two presents would be. This year, he's barely given it any thought.

Instead of answering her question, he puts his arms up on the table and drops his head in them.

"Drama queen." She taps the crown of his head. "Come on, I know you know it, even if you cheat and just count the difference in days. Five minus one. One, two…"

He stays still, hoping to wait this one out.

She taps the answer on his skull.

He doesn't move.

She taps again.

"Four," he says.

"Good job." She doesn't even sound false as she pushes back from the table. "Stay there. I'm going to get us a snack."

Sephiroth waves his feet under the table as her chair scrapes back in place. She hums a Christmas song under her breath. He swallows. They haven't put him in the green mist again. Every day it doesn't happen makes him sure that the next day will be it. When it doesn't happen then, the knot in his chest grows tighter. They have tried to talk to him about it but each time he's run away. If he doesn't listen, maybe they can't do it.

It's not true.

It was coming and they are going to trick him into it like last time.

Someone knocks on the front door. Charlie barks. Sephiroth doesn't move. The darkness between his arms suits him.

"Landon," Mariella shouts, "Susan is early with the shipments. Can you help her?"

The doctor only grunts from the office. The door clicks open and closes. Sephiroth's hair flutters as the man passes him.

"You should stop sulking and being selfish," he says, "you are getting personal tutoring and cookies."

Sephiroth doesn't move as the footsteps fade away. Dishes click in the kitchen and Mariella still hums. Charlie's claws clatter against the tile in the entryway. Landon opens to the door. The cold gets far enough in to tickle the back of his neck. Maybe if he sits here long enough, they will leave him alone and he can do the fun things that he used to have so much time for.

"Merry Christmas, Landon."

The voice is not Susan's. It is deep and new. Sephiroth's head jerks up to look in the direction. Someone new at their door in the middle of winter?

"Professor Gast. What are you doing here?" Landon's voice is shocked.

Sephiroth sits up fully alert.

The dishes clatter in the kitchen. Mariella rushes past the table.

"Do you mind if I come in first? It's still snowing plenty out here."

"Of course. We weren't expecting company. Coffee? Tea?"

Sephiroth slips from the table, keeping on hand on the top. His feet are quiet against the wood. Something scared stirs in his stomach.

"No, no, I'm fine. Warmth is all I require. Mariella. Hello! Merry Christmas. How are you?"

He inches towards the entrance now. The cold cuts off as the door shuts. Shoes stomp against the mat. Car tires crunch the snow outside and disappear. Rarely do new people come unplanned. It is even rarer for the new person to cause the doctors to seem so flustered. The last person like that was Professor Hojo. He pauses with one wall dividing him and the new company. There is an empty spot in the pantry downstairs from where the last large bag of flour used to be. He could fit in there. He would have to go now.

"I'm fine. It is such a surprise to see you. What brings you here?" Mariella's voice twitters.

Sephiroth peeks around the doorway. A man by himself peels off his coat and shakes the snow from it. He's tall but in a different way than Professor Hojo. This man is fuller and softer. He doesn't bleed danger. Instead he is already at home here, relaxed and confident compared to the quick gestures of everyone around him.

The stranger looks up from the coat and finds Sephiroth immediately. He waves softly at him. "Well, I'm here to see you, Sephiroth."

Another change. Another bad doctor who will change everything for him.

Sephiroth steps back, out of sight and presses himself against the wall. His heart crawls into his throat. This is the start of his nightmares again until the grown ups find a way to drown this one. He stares helplessly at the kitchen door. His feet won't move. Charlie leaves the new man and comes around the corner. The big head shoves into his hands.

"He's been a little shy around strangers recently," Mariella says.

"That's okay. I was shy when I was around his relative age." Professor Gast's voice grows louder. He's coming. "I've been keeping an eye on both Project G and S but you see, I don't always trust Hojo to report the truth so I thought a snowy vacation might be in order."

Sephiroth almost runs but his mind has cleared. Both doctors find this man to be important. He wants to be good and not to embarrass them. Running and hiding won't help. Charlie's breath is warm on his chest. His fingers curl tight in the fur. The doctor turns the corner. His eyes search the table covered in homework first before finding him only a few feet to his left.

He does the same thing that Professor Hojo does. He squats on the floor and extends his hand. "Merry Christmas S, it's nice to finally meet you."

The stress mounts in his mind and makes his mouth run dry. Charlie wanders off. Sephiroth puts his hand out and it is shaken. Now would come the fingers and poking and fear. A shiver goes through Sephiroth but he stands his ground. Questions are in Gast's eyes. After a moment, he releases the grip. Sephiroth thinks about going for the hiding spot. It's his last chance. He gets one more second.

The professor's hands fall back into his lap. He searches Sephiroth's face. Could he hear his teeth chattering?

Professor Gast stands up and turns around. "It has been a long trip. Might I take you up on that offer of tea?"

The pressure releases in his chest.

The next hour is strange. They go to the living room and sit. Professor Gast takes Mariella's spot on the couch so everyone silently adjusts around it. Sephiroth sits on the fireplace although Landon pulls a dining room chair in for him. It is his job to keep an eye on the fire and to feed it.

Professor Gast doesn't take up space like Professor Hojo. Instead, he grants it. Landon talks more than he ever has and Mariella smiles comfortably. Maybe it is because Professor Gast is older. Small wrinkles come around his eyes when he smiles. He's not much older than the doctors but he feels like he knows everything and sees only the good.

They talk about the weather and the local people. A place called Wutai comes up several times and that is the only time that Professor Gast starts to lose his easiness. These people have something that Midgar wants. Professor Gast turns out to be the head of the Research and Development section of Shinra or as he explains in a way that is directed at Sephiroth: "their boss's boss."

Sephiroth stays away from the conversation, only poking the fire and making sure it doesn't go out. He expects to find himself bored but it isn't that way. The conversation is catered from Professor Gast to keep everyone engaged. Their eyes connect a few times. Sephiroth busies himself with the poker immediately.

"Well, Sephiroth do you want to show me around town? Or whichever sights there are to see?" Professor Gast asks when the conversation goes quiet.

He looks at Mariella. She's nodding at him.

"Okay."

Professor Gast presses on his knees and rises. "Well, let's get exploring before the sun sets."

The professor allows Sephiroth to lead him out of the house ten minutes later. Mariella tries to straighten his scarf three times before Sephiroth slips away. The sun is low and the mountain cuts the light. The snow is gray and pink in the twilight. Sephiroth glances behind at the professor. He smiles and gestures. Why would someone in the big city want to see anything here? There is nothing remarkable to see.

Out of habit, he cuts to the side of the mansion where Charlie likes to poop in the mornings. The beaten path is easy enough to walk through. The mansion looks impressive enough hopefully. The ice crunches under their boots. Professor Gast puffs. Sephiroth stops where the footpath ends and where he usually stands to watch Charlie. The professor stops next to him.

"This is the side of the house," Sephiroth says, unsure.

"And so it is." He pauses and stares at it like it is a new thing. The snow encases the side and the ivy sticks through where the leaves are still poking out. The proud decoration shows through, making the building look fancy. Sephiroth warms his hand in his pockets. The cold wraps around them.

"Which window is yours?" The professor looks down at him.

He breaths mist at his shoes. "It's around front."

"Show me."

Sephiroth sends him a questioning look and Professor Gast continues to follow him. This is a strange man. The birds call from the trees as they work back through the path. The rest of the yard is heavy with snow. It is up to his calves. It is big steps there. The front has the path he's been shoveling daily. Tomorrow he is supposed to make it bigger.

"That one in the upper left corner with the blue drapes."

Professor Gast stands behind him as he points.

He hums knowingly. "That's not a bad view of the yard and you can almost see the center of town. Pretty good for a boy your age. It doesn't get too much light in the morning."

"I guess so." He shrugs. The professor is right but no one usually cares about him.

Sephiroth turns towards the town, walking onto the shoveled walkway.

Professor Gast follows. "So tell me, how are you doing?"

Sephiroth crunches up his face and kicks a drift.

"I'll take that as good."

They walk through the gates. It is late enough that everyone is back in their houses. The main circle of houses are warm with their lighted windows and smoky chimneys. Various dinner smells mix in the air. Professor Gast trolls next to him to the main street that circles around the frozen water tower.

"How do you like Mariella and Landon?"

"They're okay." Sephiroth isn't sure what he should or shouldn't be saying.

"That answer equates to the face that you made earlier." He waves at the inn. Someone at the window waves back and then slides back into the shadow. "They are more scientists than parental units I fear."

Sephiroth listens to the water tower creak to his left. "They aren't my parents so I don't think of them in that way."

"What did they tell you? About your parents?" He almost pauses. Sephiroth tucks his nose in his scarf.

"My mother died giving birth to me. Her name was Jenova. She gave her body to science. Nobody could locate her family so Shinra took me in," He recites this and then frowns. "I don't understand why someone would want a mother or a father. I've been fine without them."

Professor Gast puts a hand on his shoulder and it is strange. "I can tell that you have been very brave for a very long time."

A feeling flickers in Sephiroth. The knot loosens. There is care in Gast's eyes, not just numbers and graphs. He doesn't shrug off the hand like with other adults. Instead, he takes a breath and silver hair falls out from under his knitted hat. He feels funny. His knees are knobby and locked into the place.

Somehow Professor Gast sees all this and his smile doesn't cut his face in two like Hojo's. It belongs there. The hand squeezes and then lets go. Sephiroth leans forward towards him but then catches himself. Gast starts walking again and it takes him a moment to catch up to those long strides. His hands are tucked in his coat pockets. Sephiroth does the same.

"I wanted to talk to you about your bravery. I heard that Professor Hojo wants to continue to experiment with mako."

The knot is back and he's cold. The lamps flicker on. He looks up to see that the sun has gone.

"The green gas?"

"The mako, yes S." He nods.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"This is understandable."

They crunch through the snow quietly. He doesn't turn back towards the house and Sephiroth wishes he would. The topic hangs between them. It hurts his head until something strikes him. Professor Gast is everybody's boss. He could keep this from happening.

"Professor Gast? Can you stop them?" He asks and the professor's eyebrows raise. The words come flowing out of him. "I don't want to burn in the basement again. I was so lonely and then I was sick. It hurt. It really hurt. Even if it healed all the way and now I am stronger, it really hurts and I feel different. It was scary. I don't want it to happen. Please, tell them to not do it. Please, sir."

They stop circling.

"Did they talk to you about the treatment?"

"No."

The less that they talked about it, the less likely that it was going to happen. Sephiroth is sweating, he realizes, the warmth is trapped around his body.

"Come inside," Professor Gast says and nods towards the inn, "Let's have a chat about it."

Sephiroth has been in the inn. It's been a long time. It is a rare thing for him to leave the grounds because the town is boring. Most of the people here work at the reactor until their skin runs thin against their faces and until they collapse into dirt. Mariella did have the local kids come but it was always in the mansion. Still, once on their way back from getting a big delivery, Landon had stopped at the inn and so did Sephiroth.

Professor Gast opens the door and it smells just like before, warm wood, smoke and the undercutting smell of beer. The travelers come and go. Only a few of them are here tonight. The bar stretches across the back of the room where Jean, a friend's mother, smiles at him.

Professor Gast turns to the stranger that sits by the window. This is the one that had waved earlier. The man is laid out between two wooden chairs but barely fits. Muscles bunch up his sweater and his boots are bigger than Sephiroth's head. He's built in a way that he's never seen before. Across the table lies a sword larger than his imagination. The stranger looks at him and Sephiroth can't stop staring. His features are completely different. His eyes have sharp corners at the edges and deep black cropped hair catches the light.

As they approach, he starts to disengage himself from the chair he's got his feet propped on.

"No need for that," Professor Gast says.

"What do you need, boss?" He leans back and crosses his arms. They are thicker than Sephiroth's legs. "Enjoying that evening stroll?"

Sephiroth's eyes leave him for the weapon again. The sword is a _real_ weapon. This isn't something that goes after the local wildlife. It is heavy and solid. This is something that is meant to kill people and is very good at that job.

A hand comes down on his shoulder, centering his scattered attention.

"It's been fine. I wanted you to meet Sephiroth. Sephiroth, meet Orlin. He's my bodyguard…of sorts."

Orlin half laughs and takes a drink out of the cup next to him. "If he ever needs one, the professor only stays in his office and goes to remote locations. Everybody laughs for such a cushy assignment."

"Orlin has a habit of complaining about anything." Professor Gast ushers Sephiroth into a chair before finding another chair. "The more important topic is who he is."

The big man stills and raises an eyebrow. "Yeah? Who I am?"

The warmth of the room gets to his toes. He wiggles them experimentally in his boots and shifts on the seat.

"S, Orlin is a SOLDIER. Do you know about that?"

Sephiroth shakes his head. The edge of the sword is raw in places. Chucks of metal are gone because of the countless monsters. Orlin's fingers pass over the hilt and Sephiroth looks away.

"You shouldn't. Not yet, anyways. SOLDIER is a new secret program. We've been enhancing people like Orlin with mako. It makes them stronger than anyone else. They protect Midgar and the planet from all hazards."

"Except boredom," Orlin supplies idly.

Professor Gast's continues without any notice. "He went through the same treatment that you'll be going through. Can you talk about the mako exposure? The secondary one, not the primary."

Orlin's eyes lock on Sephiroth. "What are you talking about? He's not tall enough to hold a shovel."

"I will explain later. Can you talk about the treatment? The one with the mask?"

Orlin leans against the table and it shifts in his direction. Sephiroth is in awe. He has always been skinny. This SOLDIER's arms change shape as he crosses and then uncrosses them. He drags the weapon off the table and sets it against his chair.

"I'm drawing a blank on what you want me to say here, professor."

"What did we do and how did you feel?"

Sephiroth is listening to every breath this man takes. It would be incredible to be like him, so strong and confident that he would be okay sitting alone in this room without a worry in his head. He could snap the table in two. Sephiroth is sure.

He speaks slowly, "The second treatment, I put on this mask and it had mako in the air. It made me fall asleep and then I slept through the rest. End of story, kid."

Orlin takes a deep drink of the beer and stares him down. He's digging under the surface to find out why. Sephiroth knows that it isn't his place to say. Mariella made him promise not to tell anyone who he really is.

"Did you hurt afterward?" Sephiroth asks instead.

"No. I was a little groggy but it was like a hangover or maybe a headache. Why are-"

Professor Gast interrupts them. "What happened to you was uncontrolled and unfortunate, S. This way is better. Orlin doesn't lie. Do you see that?"

"Yes." Sephiroth's voice is quiet. The edge of the sword is parallel with the window. Snow falls again in gray clusters. Already their steps are half forgotten in the slow. Soon they would be gone completely.

"Frankly, if I'm talking man-to-man here, in a couple years, there could be a war." Professor Gast's face is serious. "No one wants it but it is coming."

Sephiroth feels the sadness in his voice. War is bad. He knows it from the way that the adults frown about it. From the history books that Landon reads with him, people die. More people than this entire town die. Who could ever do that? He can't imagine anyone killing another person. Everyone seems unmovable. This is the way that it has been, a quiet Nibelheim with quiet houses and lives.

"We need people like Orlin to keep places like this safe. We need you to help us find another solution before it's too late. Your heritage can show us the way." Professor Gast continues.

Sephiroth wishes that he isn't part of this conversation. He knows what is going to happen next. The professor leans over and puts his fingers on his hands. His face is sad but strong. No matter how he feels, Sephiroth imagines, he is going to do the right thing for everyone else.

"I know you aren't the happiest here but I want to ask you to stick it out and try the treatment. What do you say?"

The hand squeezes and Sephiroth closes his eyes. Fear is in his stomach. The mako burns are phantoms against his skin and he pulls himself closer. He thinks of Mariella, Charlie and even Landon. He thinks of war, this SOLDIER and the sword on the table.

"Okay," he says and looks at him, "I can try."

"Thank you." The sadness lingers in Professor Gast's eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year and the introduction of our good old friend Professor Gast! If you thought a character could just be simply "good" in this story, you are sorely mistaken. What do you think?
> 
> Thanks for reading as always. -Quin
> 
> Non-essential line edits implemented 1/11/21


	7. First Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Professor Gast makes good on a promise but the cost is high.

Winter, 1983

Sephiroth shifts on the couch in the living room. His legs swing free. He leans back and tries to close his eyes. He can't. He's too scared. He tries to keep track of everything happening to him.

The humming machine squats below him. Mariella and Landon double check the computers connected to it by snaky cords. Neither one will look at him. Some of the pipes have green light coming out of them. It looks a bit like their vacuum cleaner as it sucks in air rhythmically and breathes it out through a clear tube.

Professor Gast had helped him dissect it yesterday. Sephiroth had been allowed to pull it apart and see how the lungs brought in the air and intermixed it with mako. Professor Gast's fingers had traced the lines that powered the mechanisms and showed him the filters that made it safe. They had looked at the dials and switches. He had gotten to flip all of them and heard the snapping sounds. It calmed his heart. It still smelled wrong, like someone had poured chemicals into the mud.

It sighs at his feet now and feeds into the mask he's holding to his face.

Professor Gast sits next to him on the couch, relaxed but watching him. His arm is around his shoulders. This steadies him. It's not so hard then. Sephiroth tries to smile through the clear plastic but it cuts hard into his cheeks. Gast squeezes him gently.

The air is sweet and tangy like the ground. The fear starts to melt. This isn't as bad as his nightmares. This is like laying in the sun in summer after a long day of running around. Something shifts inside him, falling out of place. Everything is heavy. The room flickers translucent around the corners. He coughs.

"Easy now." A strong hand covers his.

His muscles relax and he slackens against the professor. It is okay. He probably shouldn't be using him as a pillow but he might not mind. They had told him he could pull off the mask at any moment but he doesn't want to. He's too tired and this feels good. The worries and tiredness that are heavy against him disappears. Parts of him disconnects, spinning off in creamy whiteness.

The adults whisper. He's being adjusted. His legs are brought up on the couch and he's stretched out. Someone props his head on a pillow in Professor Gast's lap. The elastics of the mask dig into his cheeks. A blanket falls over him. They are right, he realizes, he's going cold and warm at once. One of Gast's arms lays over his chest, pinning him from floating off into space. The machine continues to breath. It chirps every minute. He's counted three beeps but no longer knows how many more. The grip he has on the room loosens.

"Are you really going to sit there with him through the whole treatment?" Marielle's voice comes from far away.

That thought worries him. He can still barely feel. When he's gone, he needs Professor Gast stay with him, to protect him from the bad things. He tries to tighten his numb fingers against the large ones wrapped around his hand on his stomach.

"Neither one of you have kids, correct?"

The blanket is warm now. His breaths are even. It feels like there is a vibration in the couch, tickling him. His mind slips away like the floor is wet. It is only a couple days until Christmas. Would there be presents this year? There were a few under the tree last year. Maybe there would be new books to read. Everything left in the library is too hard. It takes him hours to get through a page and nothing happens anyways. Would Professor Gast to stay through the holiday?

"A word of advice. Kids need stability and protection. They need comfort that isn't surface level." The hand squeezes his. "So to answer your question, yes, I will sit here with him until he wakes up. I suggest you do the same in the future."

If the voices answer, Sephiroth has no regard for them. He'll be okay. The mako makes his lips tingle and a buzzing settles in his chest. The mask's pinching fades. He loses against the machine. The planet's energy hums in his ears. His eyes finish closing. His body slackens into the couch. He hears the machine chirp one more time and then he is gone, sinking far away into the green mist.

Pages turn. They crinkle in a slow rhythm. Sephiroth is curled up on his side. His hands and knees are tangle up near him. Hair covers half his face. Everything is loose and soft. Charlie pants nearby. Woods pops in the fireplace. Another page turns and he moves his head up towards the sound. Professor Gast is reading. A book is propped in his hand and he's studying the page. He did stay.

The mask is gone. The treatment is over. He's been napping like they said he was going to. Everything is sleepy still. His head is on a pillow against Professor Gast's leg. The blanket has fallen to his shoulder. Gast takes a drink out of the mug next to him and sighs. Sephiroth watches him as his eyes dip. It feels nice just to watch someone. For once, he isn't the one being studied. Eventually, an ache in his leg forces him to stretch them.

Professor Gast pauses, page in the middle of a turn. "Are you back with us, S?"

Sephiroth nods and rolls on his back, not trusting himself to speak yet.

He sets the book down. "How are you feeling?"

"Tingly." He realizes it as he says it. His fingers and toes vibrate and thrum with energy. They stay in place only because the rest of him is so sleepy.

"Aftereffects of the mako. Nothing out of the ordinary. It'll fade," Professor Gast says solemnly. "Does anything hurt?"

Sephiroth shakes his head and closes his eyes for a moment. The buzzing is in his teeth. He scrunches his face up. It makes Professor Gast's seriousness break and he chuckles down at him. It feels nice. He did something right.

"I thought you might like a little Christmas present. I picked it up back in Midgar. They are popular there." He shifts and knocks Sephiroth's head as he reaches in his pocket. Sephiroth tries to sit up but his arms are wobbly. He compromises by leaning up against Professor Gast so he doesn't have to strain to look up at him.

A little figurine fits in Sephiroth's hand. He has to focus to keep his fingers around it. It is a toy soldier. The detail dazzles him. The face is grimaced and eyes seem real. The joints are loose and move with the gravity. Light scars follow his arms and neck. A sword hangs in the fist. He grins. It's incredible.

He struggles to look at the professor. "Thank you."

"You are welcome, S. Merry Christmas." This time his voice is soft and his fingers drift towards Sephiroth's hair. That makes him look up at him. The fingers halt sharply. Professor Gast's face twists.

Sephiroth blinks. He knows already.

His eyes are a different color again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so strange to have all these Christmas themed chapters near the holiday. I promise, I wrote this stuff back in September. 
> 
> This chapter hurts my heart. It all feels so complicated, especially now as I am in the middle of drafting a good chunk of the Wutai war.
> 
> What do you think?
> 
> Thanks for reading as always. -Quin


	8. Project S Reports #831230.1024-840215.0613

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sephiroth's exposure program continues and Gast receives an unexpected communication.

**CLASSIFIED. CLEARANCE: EXECUTIVE. SHINRA ELECTRIC POWER COMPANY. HARD COPY ONLY. STORAGE #31 - NIBELHEIM MANSION.**

**Project S Report #831230.1024**

Friday, Dec 30, 1983 at 10:24 AM

From: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

Cc: **Landon Lemb** <l.lemb@shinra.org>

To: **“r.hojo@shinra.org”** <r.hojo@shinra.org>

—

Hello Professor Hojo,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Someone told me you are married. I hope that you are both well and able to spend time together this holiday season. Landon and I are both celebrating in our own way: a little champagne and rewarding results.

Attached is a brief report on the progress and development of Project S. Under the instruction of Professor Gast, we started your exposure program, 15 minutes rounds for five weeks. We have completed the second round this week. Sephiroth has continued to develop in his physical stature with no ill effects. The Cetra cells are successfully absorbing the mako. We are taking biological samples to track any molecular changes.

We are continuing the new education and stimulation program as well. It is working and keeps Sephiroth focused most of the day. He gets frustrated at times with the exercises but he receives remarkable grades for only being, biologically, three years old. Landon and I agree that Sephiroth continues to express himself physically and intellectually at an older age. Most indications show he is meeting the developmental milestones of a seven year old with further growth in intellectual areas.

All details are in the attached report.

The next treatment is on January 4th 1984.

Yours sincerely,

Mariella Haynes

—

**Project S Report #840112.1749**

Thursday, Jan 12, 1984 at 5:49 PM

From: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

Cc: **Landon Lemb** <l.lemb@shinra.org>

To: **“r.hojo@shinra.org”** <r.hojo@shinra.org>, **“Professor Gast”** <f.gast@shinra.org>

—

Hello Professor Hojo,

How are things in Midgar? Landon and I are still both talking about how we miss the New Year party at HQ. We did have a celebratory drink after Sephiroth went to bed but it is nothing like the party that Shinra throws. I know you rarely ever attend those events. This is for the best since R&D is famous for blowing off steam and passing out on the department floor.

Three years on and we still think of it. Of course, we are both thankful for the opportunity to work on Project S but the snow is deep and we rarely see the town residents now. There are only so many topics that Landon and I can think to talk about.

The fourth treatment went as planned on January 11th. Sephiroth is cooperative and seems to even enjoy the process. The effect of treatment has slowed slightly. Psychologically, he responds to doing “hard work” and has been trying to go for hikes regardless of the snow. He likes self determined projects. He found a wiped broken computer in recycling and now has it spread across the dining room table. We printed out the manual and he asks us vocabulary words all day.

We are noting the beginning of a reoccurring nightmare. For the last few weeks, Sephiroth has woken up disturbed between the hours of 2-4 a.m.. He cites being afraid of a “woman with wings who chokes me in bed”. Usually some water, listening and a thorough check of the room is enough to get him back asleep. When the weather is more hospitable, we will be purchasing a night light.

We are yet to find the stimulus for this fear. Landon is reexamining his pre approved books to see if there was any oversight.

Please see the attached report for the statistics and details. Please note the frequencies of nightmares and the increase in abnormal cell count. None of the abnormal cells are expressing any rapid or dangerous replication.

He also has taken a great interest in Professor Gast and wishes to write him a letter. Do you or Professor Gast have any opposition?

The next treatment is on January 18th.

Yours sincerely,

Mariella Haynes

—

**Project S Letter ID #840116.0956**

**Hello**

Monday, Jan 16, 1984 at 09:56 AM

From: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

Bcc: **Landon Lemb** <l.lemb@shinra.org>, **“r.hojo@shinra.org”** <r.hojo@shinra.org>

To: **“Professor Gast”** <f.gast@shinra.org>

—

Dear Professor Gast,

“Professor” is a hard word to spell. It has too many ss. Ms. Haynes is letting me type on her computer but she says she is not reading it. This is from Sephiroth. This is not Ms. Haynes.

Mariella tells me to tell you how I am. I am good. Charlie is good but he had an accident yesterday. It was not on the rug. The green gas is not good but not bad. I feel brave like you told me.

I am practicing my letter writing. It is nice to write a real person and not a dead person from my history book like for homework. Landon says my writing “needs work”. Would you help me get better?

What are you working on? When are you visiting?

Charlie tells me to say hello.

Sephiroth

PS. This is a secret letter. Keep it secret.

PS. I have a computer all over the dining room table. Mariella doesn’t like it. I do.

—

**Project S Letter ID #840116.1843**

**RE: Hello**

Monday, Jan 16, 1984 at 06:43 PM

From: **“Professor Gast”** <f.gast@shinra.org>

To: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

—

Dear S -

I am delighted and so surprised to get your letter today. We were busy at work and I had not had a chance to sit down and read my email until now. Little did I know that I would find a thoughtful letter from my silver haired friend. It made me very happy to hear from you.

I am sorry to hear about Charlie and his accident. Perhaps he needs to be let out more often or have a few more walks a day? Remember, he can’t speak and tell you when he needs to go to the bathroom so you have to watch for him to tell you in other ways. This is true for people as well. Sometimes we are all trapped in places that we could use a little help getting out of. If that doesn’t make sense, please tell me and I can talk about it further.

Look out your window. Do you see all that snow? That is part of my work. Midgar is under construction. We are building a city on top of a city. It is a silly thought but we have very smart people here. The snow is making us put those special people called SOLDIERs to work. They are having to move snow and ice. I am tracking how tired they get. Orlin is grumpy because of this weather. Do you like the snow?

Good job on the mako treatments. Keep at it. Tell Mariella or Landon if anything feels strange. This is not supposed to hurt. I am not sure when a visit is my future. I apologize.

How is Charlie doing? What did you learn about today in class?

\- G

P.S. Do you know that “PS” stands for “post scriptum” in Latin? Can you find out what that means?

P.P.S. When you write an additional note, add another “P”.

—

**Project S Letter ID #840203.0803**

**RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hello**

Friday, Feb 03, 1984 at 08:03 AM

From: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

Bcc: **Landon Lemb** <l.lemb@shinra.org>, **“r.hojo@shinra.org”** <r.hojo@shinra.org>

To: **“Professor Gast”** <f.gast@shinra.org>

—

Dear Professor Gast -

Thank you for the picture of you and the plate. It looks strange and so high up in the air. I hope that you don’t fall off because it looks like it is a long way down. Did you see Orlin waving in the back of your photo? Is he afraid of heights too?

School is boring and sometimes it’s like we are doing the same stuff day after day. We are learning about “geography” right now. The world is big. You travel so you know how big but I don’t travel so I don’t know how big it is. The town is big to me and when I walk to the edge of town, the hills look even bigger. The hills are so small that they aren’t on our map. Nibelheim was written in pen on our globe. Ms. Haynes did it.

Ms. Haynes tells me they are extending mako gas experiments again. Eight times is not enough. She says twelve and for longer. She is wrong but when I tell her she tells me that “it is the way it is”. She says that a lot now.

I am not speaking with the planet yet. How do I speak with the planet? If I speak with the planet, then everything will be right and everyone will be happy. I would like that.

I remember “being patient”. Ms. Haynes prints out your letters so I can read them when I want. I read them a lot because I forget sometimes. I think about being patient but being patient is very hard. The adults ask dumb questions.

I have to stop writing. Ms. Haynes is calling. Thank you for all the letters.

\- S

—

**Project S Report #840215.0613**

**-FLAGGED MESSAGE-**

Monday, Feb 15, 1984 at 06:13 AM

From: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

Cc: **Landon Lemb** <l.lemb@shinra.org>, **“Professor Gast”** <f.gast@shinra.org>

To: **“r.hojo@shinra.org”** <r.hojo@shinra.org>

—

Dear Professor Hojo,

I am writing to report the immediate damages to Project S and the emergency shutdown of the mako exposure program.

As reported previously, Sephiroth has been showing behavioral changes throughout the last month. Landon and myself agree this correlates to the increased and lengthened mako exposures. He has been more aggressive and frustrated. He has been quicker to anger and while he is still manageable, has been growing less so. This is a distinct behavioral difference. Sephiroth has always been independent but respected the house rules.

We have been testing and recording data for memory loss for the last fifteen days. Sephiroth’s intelligence and comprehension has increased radically but he has not maintained any information after 48 hours. On eight occasions, he has not been able to tell me what he has eaten for dinner the night prior. He consistently forgets events even after expressing excitement about them. He has asked on multiple occasions where he left his shoes or other material.

On February 8th, Sephiroth struggled with which the month it was despite looking at the snow.

On February 10th, we found Sephiroth lost in the basement. He claimed that he did not remember how to get out and was going to wait for us to find him. We estimate that he had been in the room for two hours and was three doors away from the stairs.

These signs point to the beginning of severe memory loss. This is the cause for the uptick in upset and aggressive behavior. He can only recall consistent things: Charlie, ourselves, or Professor Gast’s correspondence.

At this point, all this information has already been reported and we were encouraged to continue with the regular mako treatment on February 15th.

On February 14th, we were in a meeting with the R&D department at 5 p.m.. During this time, Sephiroth unlocked his bedroom door and took the dog for a walk. We were alerted to this when the dog returned by himself and barked outside at approximately 5:45 p.m.. We searched the house and when we could not find Sephiroth, we started to search outside.

We did not find Sephiroth. Jean Collet found him in a snowdrift two miles away from the house. She recognized him and was en route to the Shinra Mansion when we found them. He was unconscious and suffering from advanced hypothermia. Using emergency treatment, he has regained consciousness but cannot remember anything about the last week.

I have come to the conclusion that we need to stop mako treatment until this situation can be analyzed. Further exposure may cause more brain damage. I am sorry to make such an executive decision but we cannot move forward with the 45 minute exposure treatment scheduled today. We are hoping for a swift recovery. Sephiroth is not speaking so it is hard to gauge.

We are happy to call and discuss any of this with you at any point.

Thank you.

Mariella Haynes


	9. Project S Letter ID #840221.1108

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we hear about recent events from Sephiroth himself.

**CLASSIFIED. CLEARANCE: EXECUTIVE. SHINRA ELECTRIC POWER COMPANY. HARD COPY ONLY. STORAGE #31 - NIBELHEIM MANSION.'**

**Project S Letter ID #840219.1108**

**RE: Hello To A Chilly Friend**

Tuesday, Feb 21, 1984 at 11:08 AM

From: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

Bcc: **Landon Lemb** <l.lemb@shinra.org>, **“r.hojo@shinra.org”** <r.hojo@shinra.org>

To: **“Professor Gast”** <f.gast@shinra.org>

—

Dear Professor Gast -

I am sorry that I didn’t write sooner. I haven’t been feeling well since I slept in a snowdrift. I’ve been in my bed a lot with wires and cords attached to me. It is warm and sleepy here. Mariella keeps telling me that I am sick. I need to recover so I can start remembering things. Things are fuzzy in my mind. I can remember most everything but the details are all gone. It is frustrating to be told that I am not remembering things because I cannot remember not remembering them. That is a very complicated sentence. Does that make sense?

I took a nap here. Typing and thinking is hard.

Thank you for writing me a new letter even though I didn’t write you back yet. Who told you about what happened? I am trying to take care of myself but Mariella and Landon are doing it for me. Except Landon doesn’t do much. He is upset with me. I think that it is because they decided to stop treatment.

I know that I am not supposed to like being taken care of but it feels so good. I get to sleep all the time. Mariella brings me books she thinks I’ll like. Charlie gets to sleep on my bed. School is only an hour a day and easy things. I don’t have to do my chores.

Everything is sore. I am much bigger than I was and my arms and legs are stretched out. I look in the mirror and don’t see myself. I’m tall now. I can reach the top cabinets in the kitchen. I thought that there would be something special in those cabinets so I snuck down to look last Friday. All I found is Landon’s wine and a couple of pieces of chocolate in the bottom of a big bag. I didn’t eat the chocolate. I know she only eats it when she is stressed.

I want to explore like you. There are so many places that I haven’t been to. The mountains have hiking paths. There is also a Shinra reactor there. I want to see it. Mariella and Landon don’t let me go. They keep an eye on me. They don’t trust me even though I am starting to remember my lessons. Mariella seems scared. I don’t know why. Do you know why?

Thank you for the photo of the Shinra building. It looks so different than anything we have here. I didn’t know that anyone could get that much glass. Maybe someday you can show me it?

Please come see me soon. I miss you.

-Sephiroth

P.S. “Healing” is boring.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, we've got two more chapters and then this story goes full pedal to the metal for the remaining of this part. Anybody who has read my other stuff knows how I roll. Not that this hasn't been busy so far but...oh boy.
> 
> I've started a twitter. I'm using it more of a record of my progress but you are welcome to follow me there. I'll be posting about the process, updates and favorite lines that I write and edit from future chapters. I dropped a paragraph from Part Three a couple days ago. The handle is "Quinhwyvar".
> 
> No pressure. Just letting you know.
> 
> What do you think? What's going to happen next?  
> Thanks for reading. -Quin


	10. Fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mariella and Landon prepare for ominous news and Sephiroth is surprisingly happy.

Spring, 1984

Sephiroth hurries around the mansion’s garden. Today is one of the first days that it feels like spring has come back to Nibelheim. Mud sticks to his shoes and he listens to birds cry at him. The beds of plants are starting to come up. He’s watched Landon tend to the garden from his window the last few weeks as he has recovered.

He checked behind him. The front of the mansion is empty. He’s alone, a rare treat for him.

Sephiroth hums out a mix of songs as he combs the beds. The new radio has been playing every night. The sounds are nice in his ear but he knows it doesn’t sound good on the outside. It is early to be hoping to make a bouquet. The few pale flowers are in his arms. The rest is going to have to be greenery. It can work as he pulls up another plant. These wide thick leaves are different than the thin ones. It might be good enough.

His body feels wonderful as he crouches down. Arms, legs, elbows and knees, they are all going where he wants them to. Recently, he’s tripped and fallen too many times. They would fly out of his control and then send him stumbling. Now he won’t ever forget how thankful he is for control over his arms. Carefully, he snips off a few fragile leaves from another plant.

He is stronger too, as if his muscles are coated in iron that cannot break.

Charlie snuffs the garden behind him. Sephiroth stretches, pulling a few round leaves with long stems. The air is fresh since spring is here. Winter has given up and gone back up the mountains. The animals and town are waking up. Sephiroth has forgotten what other people looked like. Landon’s exhaustion and Mariella’s worried eyes took up his memory for the last few weeks.

The garden explodes in his hand. A rock by his shoe catches his eye. It’s jagged but silver flecks catch his eye. It goes in his pocket. It’s a good addition. The mansion’s ivy is bright green again as he heads back inside. Mariella is in the office “drowning in paperwork”. Landon should be cleaning the areas that are not on Sephiroth’s list. He finished his earlier.

His free fingers drag up the banister until he turns to the extra wing. He’s had energy the last few days. All the resting that he did is now stockpiled inside him and it makes him so happy. He could run until he got to the ocean and then keep going until he reached the end of the world. The third door to the left is a guest bedroom. Fresh sheets are on the bed. Sephiroth scans the room to make sure everything is neat. Very soon, there would be someone living in this room. Would Professor Gast sit at the desk or on his bed? Would he put his suitcase at the end of the bed? Would he notice how clean the room is?

It isn’t much but it is cozy. The walls are brown but the lighter colored desk, drapes and bed make it brighter. He hopes that it is good enough for the Professor since he lives in Midgar. A drinking glass stolen from the kitchen sits near the window. The cut plants go in and he pokes a couple to make it look more natural. The strange rock goes next to it. One of Professor Gast’s letters noted that he has plants in his kitchen that he struggles to keep alive.

Sephiroth’s stomach turns as he checks through the window. The main road into town is still empty. In the last visit, Professor Gast had come by helicopter and then car. Now the highways are clear and he is coming by car. It is easier so he can work on the way. He’s been counting down the hours since he found out three days ago. The email of their upcoming arrival sent both Landon and Mariella in a spin.

 _It’s for work,_ Professor Gast wrote, _but I hope we can have a moment to catch up as well. With luck, it will be a quick trip with easy answers._

He hopes that the professor is wrong so they can be together a while longer. Sephiroth had spotted in Mariella’s inbox another email Professor Gast sent that he wasn’t able to read. He wonders what it said.

“A bouquet?” Landon says behind him. He’s slumped against the door frame with a dusting rag in his hands.

“Yes.” The smile falls away as Sephiroth moves away from the window. He eyes the plants.

“It’s a nice idea,” Landon says. The words curl around each other in Sephiroth’s mind. It’s a lie. He doesn’t think it is a nice idea. He thinks that Professor Gast won’t like them at all. Or he’s mad at him. His mouth works but nothing comes out. Landon brushes his pants and sighs.

“Are you upset I didn’t ask?” Sephiroth says.

“It’s too bad on the fern but what is done is done.” Landon pushes off the door and stops. “Look, just be careful with the professor.”

“He’s my friend.”

“Right.” Something in his eyes flickers and he walks away.

Sephiroth looks at the empty doorway. He won’t go after him. Over and over, Landon has pushed him into feeling things that he didn’t want to feel. When he gets tired, he gets even worse. Sephiroth turns away. The bouquet sits on the desk. The green leaves are clear in the sunlight. He presses his fingers on a leaf, trying to make it grow.

Nothing. It is like pushing a wall. Nothing gives. The leaf only looks weaker when he pulls his fingers away.

Still, Landon breaks into his thoughts. Is there a sign that he is missing about the professor? He could be writing the letters to pass the time. Sephiroth has been asking him to come and it is only a work trip that makes him travel here. Maybe he isn’t important. He didn’t come after he slept in the drift. A friend would have come for that. Professor Gast had written that the pass was blocked with snow and that he couldn’t leave his work on the new plate.

He scrunches up his face and tries to go on with his day.

Sephiroth ends up in front of a cardboard box that he keeps under his bed. He palms through all the printed letters that they have written. Phrases from his letters come out to greet him: _I am eager to see you soon one day. Great job on translating that Latin passage. Keep at all the hard work, I know that it isn’t easy growing up but it will all be worth it in the end. It is good to have someone to write to outside of Midgar._

Sephiroth lets out a breath. Landon has to be wrong. He has to be but why would he say that?

The car comes when the sky is streaked with red. The black vehicle has big wheels chunked with mud and dust covers the surface. Sephiroth hovers on the balcony as Marielle and Landon stand by the road. He can’t make himself go down the stairs. The nerves have gotten to him. Their letters have been frequent but it could not translate into life in person. He could say the wrong thing. The professor could not recognize him. His head is almost at the height of Landon’s shoulders and his hair has fallen to his chin. He should have cut it shorter. He looks like a slob.

Charlie pounds down the steps from his side and barks as Orlin comes out first. The dog’s whole body wiggles as he circles around the SOLDIER. He’s gristled and lazy as he moves. His eyes scan everyone and settle on Sephiroth. The tiredness leaves him as he does a half wave. Sephiroth lifts a hand. He tries to control his breathing. It is a good sign but it could be nothing more than a polite hello.

Orlin knocks on the door and leans against the car. The passenger door clicks open. Professor Gast reappears in Sephiroth’s life. The gray in his hair shines and he squints as he straightens his jacket. The worries shift back. He still has the same warmth from before. Professor Gast shakes the hands of Mariella and Landon. They chatter at him. Sephiroth realizes he’s coming down the stairs. He doesn’t know it until he’s almost stumbling down the last step. He stops again.

Professor Gast is skinnier than he remembers. His neck has wires and cords in it but the softness is still there. He looks at his staff like they mean something to him. He nods as they talk. Sephiroth blinks. They are both really here. Orlin is against the car, arms crossed and grinning at the professor.

Sephiroth puts his hand on the porch railing behind him. His throat is dry.

Professor Gast laughs at something and shakes his head. Charlie circles around, kicking up gravel. They look comfortable with each other. He’s outside it. He is alone. Even before, when they look at him, he doesn’t feel the way that these people feel now. They enjoy each other. He’s outside that with glass between them. Any second, they turn on him, glaring at his intrusion and tear him apart. A foggy memory tells him it’s happened before.

His foot slides back.

He should go back in the house. He could pretend that he isn't excited and that nothing has happened.

Gravel crunches as he takes another step back. His heel hits the porch step when he forgets to lift it.

“S. What are you doing over there?” Professor Gast shouts as the noise catches his attention. He walks away from everyone. It pulls Sephiroth so far and fast out of his own thoughts that he freezes in place.

Professor Gast is smiling and breeze tugs against his hair. “I was looking for you and there you are hiding! You’ve grown. When did that happen? Overnight?”

The familiarity in his tone is overwhelming. Sephiroth’s tongue sticks to the top of his mouth. He desperately wants to look away but can’t manage it.

“Are you feeling better these days? Did you get that torn down phone to work again?”

The world spins.

Professor Gast doesn’t notice.

“Orlin says that once I see you, I’ll stop talking about you. Don’t believe him. I don’t talk about you all the time.”

Sephiroth doesn’t know what to do. He can’t think. He’s going lightheaded.

“Come here.”

He is there in front of him. His arms come around Sephiroth’s shoulders and draw him into his chest. He stumbles forward. His own hands go halfway between embracing and guarding. The stale smell of gasoline and coffee surround him. The blue knit of the fabric tickles his nose.

A hand draws protectively onto the back of his skull and pulls him in even closer.

“I’m glad you are okay.”

It is whispered.

Sephiroth returns the hug.

And it feels so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this old note attached to this chapter: “Sephiroth and BD (Landon dubbed "bad doctor" then) start to get worse. Seph starts thinking about killing the BD.”
> 
> Wow...I had completely forgotten in an earlier draft/plot of this Landon was a much more aggressive doctor and Sephiroth actually was driven to kill him. That was what caught Shinra's attention and brought him to Midgar. I even have half a draft of an interview with Sephiroth and the R&D department talking about the murder.
> 
> I like our path much more but wow. Things have changed.
> 
> Oh yeah. The hug at the end of this chapter warms my heart. Sephiroth needs more hugs.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. See you next week. -Quin


	11. The Professor, The Soldier and The Sample

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gast attempts to be a professional but Orlin can't have it and Sephiroth is along for the ride.

Spring, 1984

“And there we go. Last one.”

Professor Gast places the gauze against the soft spot on Sephiroth’s arm and removes the needle. It stings but the pain disappears. Blood continues to drip through the line and into the tube for a moment longer. It is strange to see his blood outside himself. That red fluid lived inside him and now he will never see it again. The test tube is foreign as Professor Gast brings it up to check.

Sephiroth’s hand comes down over the bandage. Professor Gast leans back in his chair, holds a marker, pauses, frowns and scrawls on the paper label. He’s smiling but pressure has been building on his shoulders the last week. His expressions are quieter and he says less every day. The warmth is there but something is happening. Sephiroth hopes that it isn’t because of something he has done.

“You are a trooper, S. The amount of biological data needed is tremendous. The answer must be airtight.” The creases are dark around his eyes. The vial rolls loose in his hand as he stares at Sephiroth.

He shrugs on the couch. “It’s okay.”

It really is okay. They’ve been taking blood samples since he was born. This is nothing out of the ordinary. What is out of the ordinary is that Sephiroth’s blood seems to be the answer to some riddle. A riddle that he doesn’t know or understand.

“You’re doing well. You know that, right?”

Sephiroth nods and looks down, trying for his shoes but ends up on the label.

P-S 3y 4m 84.04.24 8/8

“What is it for? The blood?” He dares to ask.

Professor Gast’s gloves wrap around the label. It smears. Black smudges are on the gloves as he places it in a silver box with the rest and locks it. Slowly, he peels off the gloves and sets them aside.

He talks as if he is building the words as he goes. “We need to analyze some biological data. We need to determine how close you are to your mother.”

“Jenova?” His heart beats quick. He doesn’t hear that word very often. Neither Mariella nor Landon will talk about her to him.

“Yes. We still have some samples from her.” The finality in his tone shuts down any further questions.

Sephiroth returns his eyes to his fingers and holds himself stiff. That was the wrong question to ask. He’s sure that the professor will snap at him soon and they won’t be friends anymore.

Every day Professor Gast and Orlin have gone off into the mountains. Orlin returns with a heavy backpack. Professor Gast returns with a white face and no time for Sephiroth. He disappears into his room for hours. The SOLDIER sticks around and humors Sephiroth but doesn’t go out of his way to entertain him. Once Sephiroth is allowed to hold the sword that Orlin leaves by the door. It is almost as tall as him and he shakes lifting it. He gouges a wall as he finds the balance. Plaster ends up on the floor but Orlin only laughs and kicks the majority of it under the rug. Sephiroth moves a chair to the left. No one has noticed.

Marielle still insists on education and normal activities like chores as well. It almost kills him when they are gone for the day. It is only in the evenings after dinner that Sephiroth gets to spend time with Professor Gast. Over the last week, they had worked through all the board games and card games that Sephiroth could play. They had even tried something called “poker” which Landon took one look at and shook his head.

Professor Gast’s eyes are far beyond him or this room as the worry covers them over. Then his usual ease snaps on him and he raises from the chair.

“A promise is a promise, come on, let’s go.” He laughs to himself. “The logic behind this is strange at best but Orlin is convincing.”

“I’m excited.” Sephiroth smiles but it flickers. He’s nervous but he won’t say it. The professor has invited him to eat at the inn with him and Orlin. They usually dine at the mansion but it is their last night before returning to Midgar. The dinner would have been enough at the inn but Orlin insists on real drinks.

Sephiroth has never sat at that sort of table before.

Now when he sits staring at the glass of beer in front of him, he is wholly unsure about doing this. The inn is warm and slow-moving. Spring is the quiet season for Nibelheim.

“Come on kid, it isn’t going to bite you.” Orlin lifts his mug. “I’ve had to fight damn monsters all week for this idiot. Drink for me.”

“I recall on several occasions you complaining that I didn’t give you enough action,” Professor Gast says as he stacks their dinner plates aside. He’s taken several sips of his own drink and the air is souring. He’s seen alcohol work on both Mariella and Landon. It is doing the same to these two. They are relaxing and loosening in front of him.

Sephiroth moves the glass and watches it slosh. “I think that I might be too young for this.”

“Please, you look, what, ten now? I’m not asking how that is even possible but my father introduced me to beer at ten. Faremis, when did you first take your sip of the bad stuff?” Orlin asks.

“My mother used to put white wine in my bottle to put me to sleep.” Professor Gast takes another drink. Both of them have gotten a refill while Sephiroth hasn’t touched his.

“No.”

“To answer more truly, I was at a teen party when it was by my choice.” His eyes shine with laughter. “They recommended the punch. I would not recommend the punch as I cannot recall what happened afterward.”

“Remember the killer hangover?” Orlin raises an eyebrow.

“Perhaps.”

“That’s it. I won’t drink. Ever.” Sephiroth doesn’t want to forget anything ever again.

Orlin shakes his head. “I’m afraid that won’t be the case as long as you work for Shinra.”

Sephiroth frowns. He doesn’t work for Shinra. They help him out but he doesn’t work for them. Marielle and Landon do but he’s a kid.

Professor Gast takes another drink. “This is less than 6% alcohol. You won’t miss anything, I promise. I drank near poison that night.”

Sephiroth considers the nasty stuff in his cup one more time.

“I tried that once.” Orlin drawled as his eyes wandered around Gast.

He gets the reaction he wants. Professor Gast lets out a laugh. “What? Drinking poison?”

Sephiroth sniffs the glass as he takes it back into his hands. The current conversation goes on without him. It smells off like something Mariella would swear at and then throw away.

“The mako makes that stuff not work-.”

“You do not have to educate me on this,” Professor Gast cuts him off.

Sephiroth tips the cup up. The weight tips and the beer inches down the glass. The two adults are absorbed with each other so it is safe to stick out his tongue and dip it in. Maybe it is only a rotten smell. None of the adults ever complain about the flavor.

“Oh yeah. Well. I tried a little. Dipped a fry in ant poison on a Friday evening. I was good and drunk.”

“Orlin…”

“Nobody tells you that mako doesn’t make it stop from making you feel like you are going to die.”

Sephiroth is so surprised by this that he loses concentration. The glass tips. The beer comes rushing down. It floods his mouth. He swallows an entire mouthful before he gets it to tip back. Bitterness and sourness burn down his throat. The glass cracks against the table as he presses himself forward, gagging.

Orlin slaps him on the back. “Welcome to adulthood. Everything that should be good sucks.”

Water runs from his eyes. Acid is in his swimming stomach. He wipes his face and coughs. Do people drink this for fun? Professor Gast laughs as he gets up to get him water. When it arrives in his hands, Sephiroth drinks most of it, trying to get the strange bile taste out. It is like he’s thrown up in his mouth.

“That is a negative reaction on beer,” Professor Gast says and rubs his back.

“He’ll grow up to be one of the snooty red wine drinkers,” Orlin replies.

The hand stops and curls against the fabric.

“He’ll get that chance.”

Sephiroth doesn’t have to look up to know that the worry is back in his face. It is about his mother.

“Do you know anything about her? My mom?” He asks.

Professor Gast smiles and pats his shoulder. “I didn’t know your mother personally. I apologize.”

“My dad?”

Orlin interrupts. “Damn. You are a true orphan, aren’t you kid?”

“I don’t need parents.” Sephiroth sits tall in his chair. It’s true. He’s been fine without them.

“Okay, Mr. Tough Guy. Take another sip. Sometimes it is better on a second try.” Orlin nudges the abandoned mug in his direction.

Sephiroth shakes his head. “I don’t think that is such a good idea.”

“Stop pressing him,” Professor Gast says, “There is no need for him to become a raging alcoholic.” It feels like the last part is aimed directly at Orlin.

“What? Me? I’m not one. Couldn’t ruin your reputation.”

“Not yet. We will all have to be careful. Remember the bad things in this world that make you feel good have their own cost.”

Sephiroth nods and takes another drink of water.

The conversation lapses into a gentle string of memories from their lives. Sephiroth listens and absorbs it all. Professor Gast used to play the piano. Orlin used to work on a chocobo farm. They both dislike this specific part of the drive back where the road is wide enough for a car and half and is littered with potholes. Sephiroth carefully ventures to tell them about how Charlie is learning to give his paw. Both adults give it the attention and importance of any of the other topics.

It fills him to be heard.

Time moves forward without his permission. The room starts to grow hazy. The lights blend together. He catches himself nodding into his chest as the adult voices lull in the background. He fights to try to stay awake but it is too late for that. He loses track as he collapses in the chair. A few more times he wakes to hear them debating the merits of different types of materia.

At some point, he’s being carried back. Distantly, he studies Orlin’s chin but falls back under.

He recognizes the creak of the stairs and then he’s being laid down in his own bed. His shoes slip off and someone pulls the cover to his chin. Big fingers play with the edge, smoothing it. He can’t move. Everything is too heavy and he is safe with the voices above him.

“It’s too much for a kid,” Orlin whispers.

“It can’t be, he’s got so much further to go.” Fingers brush his cheek.

“We both know what those results are going to show, professor.”

“My policy is to wait for the results.”

“Then you’ll all meet.”

“Yes, we will all meet. Marielle already knows she is coming in. Landon will stay behind with S.”

“It’s funny. He doesn’t look like a monster to me.”

“He isn’t and he will not be until someone treats him like one.”

They stay for a moment longer and slip out. The conversation drifts away into the place that dreams go. Sephiroth sleeps better than he has all year.

When he wakes, they are gone.

A present is on his desk. It is wrapped in brown paper and a small white note is on top in Professor Gast’s handwriting.

This is untraceable, unhackable, and completely yours if you keep it safe. Record your days and memories, then you do not have to worry about forgetting again my dear S. - G

A leather journal is in the paper. A silver clasp keeps it shut. He opens it and all the pages fall open, blank and ready. He searches the road out of town from his window. The black car is gone and with it, Professor Gast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allow me to cue the ominous music.
> 
> All kidding aside, I adore their dinner at the inn. It's one of the scenes that stick out to me when I think of everything I've written.
> 
> What do you think?  
> Thanks for reading as always, -Quin


	12. "JENOVA & PROJECT S" - #840529

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the fate of Sephiroth is sealed in one small conference room.

**CLASSIFIED. CLEARANCE: EXECUTIVE - VIP LEVEL. SHINRA ELECTRIC POWER COMPANY. HARD COPY ONLY. STORAGE #31 - NIBELHEIM MANSION.**

**MEETING TITLE: “JENOVA & PROJECT S”  
** **PROJECT S MEETING TRANSCRIPT #840529**

Meeting Attendees: Professor Gast, Professor Hojo, Mariella Haynes  
Date of Interview: 05.29.84  
Location of Interview: Room 6C, Floor 29, HQ  
List of Acronyms:  
Professor Gast=G  
Professor Hojo=H  
Mariella Haynes=M

Intelligent Verbatim Transcript

[Begin Transcript at 0:00:05]

Mariella (M): “Small meeting today?”

Professor Hojo (H): “Very few people know the true nature of Project S here at Shinra. You should count yourself lucky.”

M: “I think I can safely say that Mr. Lemb and I have found it to be a pleasure to work with Sephiroth. I hope we can continue to make headway with this program as we move forward.”

H: “Well, that depends on the recommendation of the Board, doesn’t it?”

Professor Gast (G): “Yes. Shall we start?”

[Pause]

G: “As we know, the results that have been brought back from my recent trip to Nibelheim have been conclusive. JENOVA is not a part of the Cetra race but is another entirely separate biological organism. Most research indicates that it is completely alien in nature.”

[01:00]

H: “Fascinating, is it not? We have been playing with foreign DNA for the last few years. It’s like playing with fire without being able to see it.”

G: “Fascinating or not, this was not the objective of Project S. Sephiroth has no means to lead us to the promised lands. This is further enforced by both Project G’s and Project S’ lack of progress in, as unscientifically as I can put it, ‘sensing’ the planet.”

M: “Sephiroth did try.”

H: “This is not about effort. This is about results.”

G: “Results that he cannot deliver. The Board has gone over the data and presentation about Project S. It requires funding among other support systems. They have recommended to R&D that the entire program be shut down against my wishes.”

M: “What does that mean?”

H: “Shut down of the entire program.”

G: “You all would be debriefed, reassigned to more relevant projects, the files would go into deep storage, JENOVA itself would be sent into dormancy. The NDA forms would not be released. The reactor would be shut down. The Nibelheim residents would get a written notice giving some substitute explanation. The townsfolk would be hurt by the lack of economy but there are other towns that-.”

[02:00]

H: “What about Sephiroth, himself?”

G: “They want the complete destruction of any mutated biological assets deemed dangerous.”

H: “Sephiroth?”

G: “Yes, Sephiroth has been marked for disposal.”

M: “No.”

H: “Project G?”

G: “…the Project G samples are allowed to live. Congratulations, Professor Hojo. Because of your methods, S, no, Project S is the only experiment that successfully had a high biological graph with JENOVA. The Project G samples are both infertile and did not come into what the Board decided was dangerous graphed value.”

M: “…disposal means?”

[03:00]

G: “The method of death…is up to us but the entirety of Sephiroth must be destroyed. No samples must remain. If the Board’s request goes through.”

M: “We can’t let this happen.”

H: “What are their concerns?”

G: “Without funding, he carries too much vital genetic data to be out of the control of Shinra. In their mind, he is a loaded gun.”

H: “Reproductively or physically?”

G: “They are concerned mostly about the spread of foreign biological data.”

H: “Surely Sephiroth is sterile from the extended mako exposure. Most humans are by the end of the mako therapy.”

M: “He’s still developing physically. We never thought to test it.”

G: “No need. His blood test shows positive indications of hormone development. If I was forced to guess, I would say the JENOVA cells make him resilient to mako. That also explains why trying to heal him is difficult. JENOVA fights the will of the planet. Regardless, they wish to stop the future uncontrollable spread of alien DNA.”

[04:00]

H: “How about sterilization?”

G: “I’m afraid that the Board would consider it reversible in the wrong hands.”

H: “So this is about Wutai?”

G: “Politics should never mix with science but it inevitably does.”

M: “He’s so young to have that done.”

G: “He is too young to die by the recommended methods listed here.”

M: “Lethal injection…? I thought it was impossible?”

H: “We engineered a specific poison to kill rogue SOLDIERS last year. One dart in the back to knock them out and then another supplemental injection in the neck. They drop like flies. It’s beautiful. You should come watch sometime.”

M: “Gods. He would never see it coming.”

G: “The only comfort with this solution is that it is an easy death. Coupled with that initial sedative, he would drift off asleep and simply never wake up.”

H: “There is too much left to do with him. He has such untapped potential. We can aggravate the JENOVA cells. He could be of value.”

G: “I have given us an opportunity to present an alternative solution to the Board. If we don’t present it by the end of the day tomorrow, the project and Sephiroth are terminated, effective immediately. I cannot stress that they will most likely reject anything.”

M: “Who will…?”

G: “If you or Landon refuses, you will be forcibly removed from the premises and a stranger from another department will do it. They may decide to use a more unkind method.”

[04:41-04:55 No sound audible]

G: “Before you get too far down that line of thinking, may I remind you that Shinra can track the boy at any time.”

H: “You are the only one that knows where the tracker is located.”

[05:00]

G: “Correct.”

H: “Tell me.”

G: “Removal of the tracker sends out a distress signal.”

H: “Where is it? In the thigh? Chest cavity?”

G: “I can’t tell you.”

H: “Why not? I thought you cared for the boy.”

G: “Because as much as I despise this, I understand the calamity of science. I don’t want S to be scrubbed from this planet but running away with Project S, a Shinra funded program, will only lead to more death. The Turks and SOLDIER would be involved.”

[Pause]

G: “Think about it. Many would die and in the end, S would still die. That way it would be in fear and terror. He would know he was part monster. Our selfishness would only lead Sephiroth to more pain with the same outcome.”

M: “How can you be this heartless? Don’t you know that Sephiroth worships you? And you are suggesting that he should die?”

G: “Do not take my antipathy for heartlessness. You have undoubtedly read my letters. You know how I feel. Emotion is not going to get us a clearer answer to save S.”

H: “It is easy enough to sign a paper to kill a child that you do not understand. It’s such a waste.”

M: “Fine. We need another solution then.”

G: “He has shown great levels of intelligence. Why don’t we recommend he is transferred directly into my lab for further testing? He could become a strategist.”

H: “No one will ever trust him.”

M: “Not with those eyes.”

H: “They want nothing to do with JENOVA?”

G: “Not at this point.”

[06:00]

G: “I have offered to adopt the project as my own personal program and keep a close eye on him. I proposed it to the Board when they voted.”

H: “They said you were a fool.”

G: “No. Not in so many words but the answer was still no. They will not be convinced.”

M: “We need something that they are more afraid of than JENOVA.”

H: “The boogie man…?”

G: “If this was the time for childish yammering, Hojo, I would expressly tell you.”

H: “Well, the director of the R&D program does have teeth.”

G: “I will allow that comment this once.”

M: “What about SOLIDER?”

H: “What about them?”

G: “No. That is not an option.”

M: “It’s the only way. He is incredibly strong. What if JENOVA cells mixed with mako are the way forward? Towards a more effective SOLDIER program?”

H: “The president does fear Wutai. Use politics against them.”

G: “He is a child.”

H: “We both know that’s not true. No matter what, his childhood ended as soon as they had a vote on floor 64. Now it ends with poison in his veins, a bullet in his brains or as a child soldier. Grim choices at best.”

G: “Where is the integrity in this?”

M: “Where is the integrity in letting him die?”

H: “Where is the integrity in allowing a child to be exposed over and over to mako?”

G: “I could you ask you the same question.”

[07:00]

H: “What other solution do we have? Project S needs to survive. He is too valuable as an asset. We’ll use their fear against them.”

M: “He would be a good soldier, given a few years. He’s rule-abiding and a perfectionist. We could put him in proper school and train him. It keeps him under the umbrella of Shinra and has low overhead. As Professor Gast mentioned, he is as sharp as a whip. He could be the keystone to us beating Wutai.”

H: “Things can be put in place to better control him. The touch has been light but it doesn’t have to be this way.”

G: “I can’t approve this. This will turn him into a monster. His disposition isn’t for war and bloodshed. He will crumble. He will die in other ways.”

H: “Better that than this way.”

[07:20-45 No sound audible.]

M: “I’m sorry Professor Gast but we must move forward. Professor Hojo can present the idea.”

G: “They will still not approve this. I will not approve this.”

M: “Since Professor Hojo is in charge of the program, I am sure that the Board would be interested in his opinion.”

H: “Let him fight.”

M: “Let him survive.”

[Transcript End 08:13:03 Transcribed by Edin Morse. Reviewed and verified by Professor Hojo.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. The good times are over. What do you think?
> 
> Since this is a report, it is a double upload week. I'll see you all on Monday although I think you will just hate me for it.
> 
> Thanks for reading as always -Quin


	13. The Best of Intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mariella and Landon draw the line and Sephiroth pays the price.

Summer, 1984

Charlie snuffs in Sephiroth’s asleep face. He frowns and curls onto his side trying to get away from him. He’s in the middle of a happy dream. Charlie crawls on top of him and the wet tongue rubs against his face until he yawns and stretches. The ground is damp against his back. The sun comes through the leaves into his eyes. The book that he was reading crunches under him. Mariella returned to the mansion yesterday but decided that she is too tired to start lessons today. He’s already had a week off from her going to Midgar but another day laying out in the yard is sweet and special.

The dog flops down on his stomach and rubs his head in his hands. Sephiroth automatically scratches behind his collar. Charlie snuffs in his neck in appreciation. He watches the road beyond the gate. Professor Gast hasn’t returned. There are no emails. He has Landon check every day. He says over and over that Professor Gast’s work has been overwhelming. Still, the silence is strange. Professor Gast usually warns him if he is going to be gone. Landon gets angry every time he asks. Without Mariella around, Sephiroth doesn’t ask anymore.

Still, he has been writing in his journal. It strengthens him inside. No matter what happens, he will be able to remember these times that are so important to him. The pages fill and fill with his thoughts this last month. He needs to record something for today. He yawns as he weighs the importance of what he is learning or what is happening in the book.

The tree chats above him in the breeze. The leaves are back after winter and he can’t wait to eat the apples that will be on the tree later. They could be starting to form now. He pushes the dog off and looks up. The branches don’t show any fruit. His palms press against the trunk and he tries to imagine his energy going into the tree.

Nothing.

He smiles and imagines that it is true.

“Sephiroth.”

“Yes?” He turns, still pushing against the tree. Landon stands in the middle of the doorway.

“I need you. Come into the living room.” His voice is soft and he disappears inside before Sephiroth could ask more.

Charlie barks and runs ahead of him as he hurries inside. At the door, he brushes the grass off his shirt and scrapes some of the mud from his shoes before following. The mansion has a different feel the last few days. He craves to be outside as if being inside is going to suffocate him. He’s happy that winter is over. Once both Mariella and Landon are good again, he plans to ask them if they could go to Midgar. So many of the pictures that Professor Gast has sent him look fake.

He tries to think about all the things that Professor Gast might be able to show him. Maybe he could take a day off work? Would that be asking too much?

The stairs to upstairs stretch out before him as he hurries. Mariella is still asleep upstairs. She’s taken a nap all afternoon. Sephiroth hasn’t seen her. She’s been a ghost in the corner of his eyes.

Landon stands by the couch. The medical bag sits next to him. He’s stiff like his SOLDIER toy upstairs by his bedside. Sephiroth pauses. Charlie is already in the room, wagging his tail at him.

“Come on.” Landon’s face smiles. “Let’s make this quick. It looks like we are behind on your vaccinations.”

“Oh.” That is easy. Those are quick pinches and then he was on his way. It rained yesterday so the room smells like wet ash from the fireplace. Landon digs through his bag and then places pillows on the couch. Sephiroth looks at the spot that Gast sat in and worries. Charlie paces around before settling in his bed by the couch. He checks his clothes. The loose shirt and pants should be simple enough to shift around as needed.

“Is it in the butt again?” He asks as he sits on the edge of the couch. Landon pulls up their fireplace stool and settles on it. His eyebrows draw in.

“This one is a little special. We’re putting it directly in your vein. So it will be like a blood draw.” He puts one of the pillow behind Sephiroth. The other sits forgotten further down from him.

He nods and rolls up his sleeve. “Do you know when Mariella might get up? Do you think that Professor Gast got the answers to his questions? The ones that have to do with my blood?”

The questions come out nervous and without his approval. Landon’s lips tighten so Sephiroth looks away.

His skin is pale in the light. He can see the lines that run up close against the surface. Landon hurries with small glass bottles and a syringe. Sephiroth moves his fingers up and down his exposed arm. It makes his hair stand up and tickles. The air is strange in here. Something is wrong again.

“Yes.” Landon’s response is slow but Sephiroth stares at him in surprise.

“Really? Was it a good answer?”

Landon’s voice is hard. “No.”

Disappointment fills him. He leans back against the pillow. “Is Professor Gast mad at me?”

“I don’t think so.” Landon shakes the bottle, puts it upside down and plunges the needle inside.

“Well, everything is going to be okay then.” He strains to look out the window. He doesn’t flinch as the plastic cord goes around his arm. It bites and gnaws. It pulls tight against his muscles. His fingers go numb.

“Yes. Everything is going to be just fine.”

Sephiroth’s attention goes back to Landon. He sounds muffled like he’s recovering from a bad cold. His nose is pink and his fingers tremble against his arm. Landon’s eyes are hidden as he works the syringe in his right hand. Sephiroth shifts against the pillow.

The needle stops and the point brushes against his skin. Landon looks up. His eyes are hollow and lost. “I know I haven’t been the warmest with you but the mako in the basement? Hojo forced me to do it.”

“…oh.” Sephiroth isn’t sure about these words. He looks past the doctor to see if Mariella is up. He hopes she is there. The hand is firm on his arm. No one is at the door. He’s trapped on the couch. Something rises in the back of his throat. It’s fear, he realizes as the needle goes deep in his arm.

The plunger rises, blood fills the barrel and then depresses. The green liquid flashes red and disappears. His spine is a rod as he tries to sense the strangeness inside of him. He feels absolutely nothing. It is just another shot that pinches. His heart beats in his chest hard for no reason but a smile comes over his face as he wants to laugh at himself. Landon’s hands withdraw and he sits back with a little half-smile.

Nothing. He’s normal. He’s afraid for nothing. Landon wouldn’t hurt him. He said that. It’s just another shot.

“After this is over, I’ll get you a candy from the stash. The black ones. I know you like those the best,” Landon says.

“I’d like-ah.”

The burning cuts through his fingers. His arm lights on fire and then the feeling disappears like a candle going out. His eyes are wide as he looks at Landon. He wants to say more but he can’t. The air in his lungs comes out in a puff. The room disappears into fuzz behind him. Something is wrong. Something is happening that isn’t supposed to.

He reaches out to Landon. He’s made a mistake. Sephiroth has to tell him so he could stop it. His hand goes halfway up before it stops on its own. It shakes in the air. It’s gone numb. His fingers twitch and go slack. Only his heart screaming in his ears tells him that it hasn’t stopped as well.

Landon sits there, sad and quiet as Sephiroth struggles to breathe. He knows. Cold fear washes over him. This isn’t a mistake. He’s done this on purpose. He is there to hurt him. Sweat clams the back of his shirt. Sephiroth leans back like a falling tower. He wobbles and then the doctor comes forward. One hand wraps around his back and the other goes behind his neck. In this strange hug, he is placed laying down on the couch. He can’t move.

“This makes it easier, Sephiroth. I promise. You’ll barely feel anything now. Just relax. It’ll be done soon,” He whispers in his ear.

Sephiroth screams. His mouth opens but nothing comes out. He can’t even swallow. The air passes out silently. Only his lungs struggle to suck fresh air inside him. Whimpering sounds make it out. Landon twitches but turns away. Black dots stain what he can see. His legs are at a strange angle on the couch, almost half folded under himself.

Landon fishes in his bag. Another clear bottle comes out. It has a red stripe taped around it. Landon pops the dirty needle off and sets it aside. Charlie still pants. He hasn’t noticed anything off. He wants him too. He needs Charlie to bark, to cry, to make noise for him. He needs someone to save him.

“I suppose I don’t need to be this clean but my old professors would kill me if I didn’t follow procedure,” He says to fill the silence and the sounds of Sephiroth’s raspy breath.

Sephiroth is alone in the room trapped in his own fear. He can’t move. The air touches his exposed neck and arm. He’s vulnerable. Nothing moves when he tells it to. He’s never had this happen. His left eye is leaking, tears rolling out unnoticed by the doctor.

Landon replaces the needle and then draws the liquid out of the container. The new medicine lowers out of the bottle and into the syringe. This one is clear. He squints at the measurement and then draws another quarter of an inch down. He gives Sephiroth a practical eye as he sets down the almost empty glass bottle. The tape is fuzzy in his eyes. He continues to sway in focus but sees a “2” scrawled across the red.

Landon’s fingers on his neck scare him so deeply he twitches.

“Okay. I can’t give you the second shot with a heart going as fast as a train. It’ll burn through too fast. Calm down.” Landon’s eyes close and Sephiroth feels the vein thrum against his finger. Sephiroth struggles to find the syringe but it is gone.

He has to keep his heartbeat up. The panic. He focuses on it. The room is quiet. The stairs are silent. Usually, they creak when someone comes down. His tongue is thick in his mouth. He desperately wishes to take a deep breath and yell but he can’t. He can’t do any of it. He blinks and more tears stream away. He’s helpless. He’s scared.

“Oh Sephiroth,” Landon says. His right hand appears empty. He wipes the tears away. “They didn’t give us any choice. This is the only path. I promise I’m making this as easy as I can.”

The touch is solid and strong. The fingers brush through his hair and he can’t help the way that the affection affects him. It is soft and sweet. The hand cups along the side of his face. Even now, he’s desperate for that comfort. Sephiroth sees Landon struggling to hold back his own emotion. The drug eats under him like gravel slipping underfoot. He falls with no way to stop himself. The drum in his ears dies away.

“There we go,” Landon sighs and reaches for the syringe. It has been Sephiroth’s stomach. The light weight meant nothing to him but his entire world. Sephiroth swallows and tries to fight as Landon takes his limp arm again. The practiced fingers tie the plastic over his forearm and he digs around in the fleshy inside.

“What are you doing, Landon?” Mariella’s voice is low and dangerous. It is beautiful. Sephiroth strains to see her standing behind them.

Landon stops and twists.

“What are you doing?” Her voice rises as she walks forward.

He stands and puts up a hand. The syringe is left wobbling on his chest. That doesn’t hold Sephiroth’s attention.

It isn’t what causes the tears to come faster.

“Mariella, they told us-” He says.

“-No! They didn’t tell us to do anything.” She’s screaming at him.

Charlie starts barking in the background.

There is a gun tucked in the back of Landon’s pants.

Charlie runs in circles, excited.

“Don’t try to stop me. They told me to stop you. You are too emotionally connected.”

She moves forward. He shoves her back.

“You can’t do this.”

“You couldn’t do this so I am doing it.”

“Oh my god. Is he dead?”

“No. Not yet.”

“Please Landon. I don’t know what information you read but it isn’t right.”

“The order came down while you were sleeping an hour ago.”

“That’s not-”

“Just leave. It will be over soon.” He starts to turn away. The conversation is over. She runs at him.

Landon turns quickly. The gunshot rings clear and true. It hurts his ears. Sephiroth doesn’t see her fall but hears her scream and the body falls hard. It echoes on the wood floors and is muffled by the rug. A splatter colors the white wall behind her.

“Gods. I’m so sorry,” Landon’s voice chokes on itself. He disappears out of sight, towards where she had fallen. The tears come so hard that they pool in Sephiroth’s eyes. He wants to rub them away, to push up, to run to her, to cover her with his own body. He chokes on a sob. His chest wobbles and falls. Everything stings. It burns to be this sad.

“ _Fuck_ , Landon.” Mariella’s voice is weak. Mariella is dying. She tries to say something more but it cuts off into a gurgle and stops. He’s quivering. His teeth chatter together. He manages to move his hand but it falls back against the couch. Charlie comes over, sniffing him. The wet nose pushes against his cheek.

Landon turns around and rubs his face, smearing her blood on his cheek and nose. He doesn’t look at Sephiroth. He is cold. Impassive. The path has been chosen and there is no stopping him now. The gun clicks on the floor as he kneels down next to the couch. Sephiroth can’t breathe. Charlie gets pushed aside.

Landon’s fingers press into his neck and he shakes his head.

Was she dead now? Was she still struggling to stay awake across the room? Sephiroth dies inside to move, to run over to her and to hold her. Maybe he could even get in the village fast enough to get an adult to help.

He wishes that Professor Gast would walk in the door and save him.

Landon draws more clear liquid out of the second bottle.

A finger digs in his forearm.

Sephiroth watches blood drip down the wall as the needle goes into his arm. It swallows him into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops. 
> 
> How are we all feeling?
> 
> Thanks for reading as always. -Quin


	14. Project S Letter ID # 840614.2108

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Professor Gast writes a letter that Sephiroth won't read until it is too late.

**CLASSIFIED. CLEARANCE: EXECUTIVE. SHINRA ELECTRIC POWER COMPANY. HARD COPY ONLY. STORAGE #31 - NIBELHEIM MANSION.**

**Project S Letter ID # 840614.2108**

**News**

Tuesday, June 14, 1984 at 08:08 PM  
From: **“Professor Gast”** <f.gast@shinra.org>  
To: **Mariella Haynes** <m.haynes@shinra.org>

—

My Dear S,

I thought that it might be best if I sent you this email. I wish I could come to tell you in person but time is short. My apologies. This email will have to suffice. I bring grave news. As of this morning, I have resigned from my job as Head of the Research and Development Department at Shinra.

The reasons for this are complicated. Have you ever had an argument and no matter how long you talk about it, you cannot see the point of view of the other person? You try to see what they are saying and you explain yourself the best you can but there is no progress to be made? I have had that at this job. The people who run Shinra have made decisions that I cannot stand by and accept. This means that I have stepped down from my position. I am preparing to move to the icy north to research a lower priority lead privately.

No, S, I will not tell you exactly where. I know you would try to run away to find me. You now have a bigger purpose to fill.

Sadly, we will not be able to keep correspondence. Being in charge of a department affords luxuries that I am no longer allowed to indulge in. At the end of today, my email account’s clearance level will be lowered and I will not receive any emails from you. I know that this may not make much sense to you but there is only so much this old man can explain.

I want you to be kind and to keep your eyes open. You have a brilliant and creative mind. Please use it to help others. Remember that not everyone will see you for who you are and will try to make you see things differently. Make note of what you believe in. In the end, we are judged by ourselves before all else.

Above all, remember every life is precious. Any loss of the human spirit is a loss to every human spirit. We all fit together, seamed within the lifeblood of this planet, if we know it or not.

I will miss you and your letters. Orlin is to remain stationed at Midgar. If you travel there yourself, please seek him out. I worry for our SOLDIER friend and he might need cheering up.

Everything I’ve done, I’ve done in your best interest. I sincerely hope as you travel your path, you will never have to understand me. I hope that as you grow, you never have to see the true devil behind the curtain and that you can remain who you are.

Goodbye and sincerest wishes to you,

-G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A super short chapter so it is a rare double update day!
> 
> Also because I don't want to ruin the impact of the next chapter, I'll say this here. I found out that "Before Crisis" is a game and a canon game at that...yesterday. I'm 114k into it this. There is no way I can add a whole other plot. The story creaks when I added Angeal and Genesis. Sadly, that means Madness won't be canon compliant any longer. I think you will find this the better solution to my kneejerk reaction of deleting everything.


	15. A Divided Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sephiroth finds himself in a new place.

Summer, 1984

Sephiroth wakes up.

He comes back in pieces that take time to fit together.

A car rumbles in the background. Voices chatter. He’s being gently shaken. His body is curled up on his side with a foreign arm draped over his shoulders. Everything is sluggish. He sways back and forth. Dull memories try to find a spark to remember but can’t. His mouth is dry and his head throbs.

It comes to him.

He’s still alive.

That gets his eyes fluttering and the light is too sharp. He’s alive. He’s waking up. Was it all just a bad dream? The sounds of a car engine and a hard seat underneath him tell otherwise. It isn’t a bad dream. It happened. Landon has tricked him. Pain twitches in his chest. The doctor had never been good to him but he never truly hurt him. He’s a doctor. He’s supposed to help people. He’s been in Sephiroth’s life since the beginning. Sephiroth can’t imagine his life without him. Surely that counts for something?

But Landon hadn’t killed him. He’s breathing and he’s pretty sure that he’s not hurt. The air in his lungs burns but that’s okay. He can live with that. It is better than being dead. It smells bad here, like a stuffy room with too many pieces of dirty clothes in it.

The car goes over a bump. Fingers tighten into his chest. He tries to open his eyes again. They make it open but the shapes are hazy grays and greens. It hurts too much for his mind and he closes them again. He kicks out a leg, feeling knots in his muscles.

“Landon, your pretty boy is awake.” The voice’s accent is strange to him. It’s sharp and snipping. It is a different texture than anything else that he’s heard in Nibelheim.

Nibelheim.

He realizes that there is a good chance that he is very far away from that place. The car has to be going somewhere, right? It makes his stomach drop out of his body. Fear remembers itself in him. He blinks a couple of times to clear his vision but it does little to help him. He wants to explore but not like this. All he wants now is his bed and everything else.

“Sephiroth?” This voice is familiar and the hand pushes him onto his back. His head rolls in the voice’s lap. He looks into another blurry face but he knows this one. Landon sits next to him, holding him close. All the blood is gone. He’s even wearing a different shirt. Emotions come up through him again. Landon shot Mariella. Sephiroth saw him kill her with his own eyes. How could he have done that? How could he break them up like that? His chest hitches. What did he do wrong?

A hard pinch on his arm brings him back from spiraling into grief.

“You need to be a man now,” Landon says urgently, “Men keep their emotions to themselves. I saved you from Shinra. Be thankful for that. They wanted to kill you.”

The words aren’t meaningless to him. They hit him only in a way that makes Sephiroth’s world spin even more.

“Yeah. Your friend called us up,” Another voice says.

“Don’t make me regret it,” Landon says.

“Oh, we will. You say that he’s extraordinary? Then he better be extraordinary for Wutai.”

Wutai? Sephiroth tries to push himself up but Landon’s arm keeps him locked onto his back. Wutai are the bad people. The evil ones that are doing everything wrong. He’s been kidnapped by the enemies of Shinra. His wrists sting as he squirms. It doesn’t take more than a second to realize that they are locked together. The lack of mobility frightens him. Never before has he not been able to use his hand.

Landon looks at him again and he sees the guilt. He shot Mariella. Now there is this.

“He’ll be fine,” He says to Sephiroth more than to the other man, “He has to be.”

The tears start and once again comes the pinch on his arm. Sephiroth prides himself in not flinching. Closing his eyes, he waits through the dizziness. Landon’s arm is supposed to comfort but it is brick on his chest. He hurts. The grief stings everywhere. He doesn’t want to look around. He doesn’t want to study these people. He doesn’t want to be part of this. He wants to be home.

So he withdraws within himself. It is safe there. He controls everything inside of him. If he is alone in this, he needs to cling to the things that are safe and the only things that he knows are safe are inside him.

The ride lasts hours. Sephiroth pretends to sleep and imagines this will go away. Gast and Orlin will stop this car. They will rescue him. The voices yammer over his head. Sometimes he understands. It takes him a while to realize that they are switching between his language and another. Fear seeps into his mind but he pushes it away. The heroes in the books he’s read never do well by acting afraid. He can’t do it either.

The backs of his eyelids are painted with the picture of Mariella’s blood dripping down the wall. It hurts him so deeply that he can only note when it isn’t there. Rain taps on the truck. The men fall silent. The road turns smooth and then the engine echoes. A tunnel. They are passing through the mountains.

The truck stops and by then soldiers with them are sober and stiff. There are six of them and each one of them has a long gun in his hand. Landon helps him to his feet when they call them out. Although he’s wobbly and his stomach heaves, he’s sure it is from disuse and nerves. His shoes scuff on the floor. Landon’s hands end up on each shoulder, controlling and steady. He marches him forward with his own hands awkwardly in front of him.

He doesn’t realize how safe the back of the truck has been until he has to leave it. He stumbles, stops at the bright ceiling lights and hesitates at the steps leading down.

“Come on, kid. This isn’t your grand entrance,” the biggest of the guys shouts below him.

Sephiroth hates himself for looking up Landon for guidance. The man is not someone who he can trust. He shouldn’t do it but years of habit force him. Landon nods and smiles at him.

He carefully takes steps from the truck. He’s never seen a garage but he knows one when he sees it. Space stretches out in both directions and cars are lined up neatly. It feels as big as Nibelheim. One truck even has a Shinra logo on it. It must be for spies. The main door is closed. He didn’t even get to see the sun. His throat clenches. The soldiers mingle around, not paying attention to him. Other groups work on the machines but take no notice of him. Doors dot the back of the garage.

One of them has to lead out.

“No. I’ve seen that look too many times scrawny,” The big guy growls at him. Sephiroth takes a step back and bumps into Landon. He hasn’t talked. He hasn’t felt like talking. There is nothing to say to these people. The guy roots around in his pocket. His hands are as big as Sephiroth’s waist.

“I’ve got him,” Landon says.

“You’ve got shit. He runs, he’ll run fast and I’ll let you tell the boss why he’s gunned down and bleeding.”

Gunned down. Now he wants to get out more. Guns are everywhere here. They stick out behind backs and hang loose in fingers. The ringing returns in his ears without him remembering the rest. Mariella hadn’t even had the chance to get up before she was gone from his world.

Big guy finds what he’s looking for. With a jerk, he yanks open a black bag and Sephiroth takes a second too long to realize what is going to happen next. The bag makes it over his head and he yells in panic at the darkness. He nearly knocks over Landon as he stumbles back. His bound hands come up to rip it off and the big man slaps them away. They go numb immediately from the hit and he hunches over, trying to find his balance.

“Try again and I’ll punch you in the gut. Don’t get clever,” Big guy says and grasps the cuffs. The bag smells like sweat. Sephiroth jerks back and sneezes. His hands come up to cover his face. That is his first real mistake.

The punch hits right under the ribs. It digs deep enough that things shift inside him. It’s the first time he’s been hit on purpose. It shatters something in him. People aren’t supposed to do that. They can’t just hurt others. The pain rings in his ears. His knees hit the concrete. He gags into the cloth. He curls forward in on his stomach.

People can hurt him, he realizes with a gasp, and by the breath of satisfaction above him, they like it.

“Learned your lesson, you little shit?”

Sephiroth’s mind spins. Fingers clamp on his handcuffs and pull him up and forward. Landon’s presence feels distant behind him. He stumbles forward in the dark. He fights to keep together in pain’s haziness.

They take stairs. They take elevators. The halls echo. They don’t. There is carpet underfoot. Wood follows and then tile. He tries to keep count of how many dings and flights they take. It is impossible because he missed the first few and then it is pointless. The skin under his chest bruises and stings. Landon is behind him if that is any sort of comfort. It isn’t but his mind is trying to focus on anything familiar.

A door opens and Sephiroth stumbles through it. It is the thirty-fourth door. It means nothing more than the thirty-third one. In this case, he’s wrong. Big guy stops him. Sephiroth raises his head. They stop for elevators and clattering feet by. Neither one of these things has happened.

The door shuts and a hand grasps the cloth. It rips off and the light shocks him. He twists back as far as he can blinking.

Big guy huffs as he leaves him and walks to a table. Sephiroth dares to look around. The room is utilitarian. It’s a small white room lined with metal tables. A chair sits oddly in the middle. It smells bleach and fake lemons. The lights give everything a green hue. It looks old and unused. Dirt hides in the corners. The mansion was always kept so neat that seeing this makes Sephiroth ache more.

He looks behind him. Landon is gone. The door is locked. It’s him and the big guy. He wonders how long he’s been alone. Sephiroth takes an uncertain step to the left. He’s not sure what is wanted with him. He’s just a kid living in Nibelheim that Shinra has been taking care of. He’s nothing special.

His knees shake but something new is coming over him. It is a numbness and seeks out concepts that his fragmented mind can comprehend. What is Wutai going to do to him? That’s the most urgent question. At the mansion, he’s always known what’s wanted of him. Life is a structured affair. Now that is gone. The ice in his mind crackles. Sephiroth blinks away tears.

These are the new people, he reminds himself, if he doesn’t do exactly what he is told, he will be dead on the floor. Part of him even wishes for Landon then.

The big guy grabs a metal tray with wires on it and points to the chair. “Sit there.”

The calmness slips away from him. Sephiroth steps back. His teeth chatter together. It is unreal. He shouldn’t be here. He should be at home. He wants Charlie. He wants everything that he has always assumed that he is going to have. He doesn’t want this. A sob rises up his throat. This isn’t fair.

“Do you want to get punched again? Get in that chair.” The guard walks forward. The gun swings over his shoulder. It sends a new wave of fear through him that he didn’t know he could comprehend.

Sephiroth shuffles forward. The man is twice his weight and doesn’t have any hesitation about using any of it. When Sephiroth comes close enough, he reaches forward and snatches his arm. Sephiroth yelps as he is dragged. He hits the chair seat hard. It bites into his spine. The metal legs squeak against the tile.

“Stay still.”

Sephiroth freezes. Tears roll down his cheeks. Only the top of his chest moves faintly. The big man crouches down in front of him. He sees everything about him at once. There is a spot on his cheek that he missed shaving. His nails are cropped short. A smell of sweat and dirt comes between them. The waves of muscles that move under his shirt.

The man’s face turns to concentration. His hand comes close to his waist. Sephiroth swallows and presses back against the chair. He brings up his hands close to protect his neck and face.

“I said stay still,” he growls and pulls up Sephiroth’s shirt. The pale skin shines strangely in the light. Goosebumps immediately form.

“Hold this.” He brings the fabric up to Sephiroth’s hands. He does what he is told. Metal feels like it is clamping across his chest. He can’t breathe.

The tray comes on his legs, making him jump. Big guy gives him a warning glare. His eyes can’t believe what is on it. He recognizes the colored wires and the electrodes. These are things that Mariella and Landon would put on him on occasion. His fingers still shake the fabric as the man starts to do something he understands. Spots of his skin are cleaned and then the tape sticks the wires to him. They’re cold but not alien to him. Panic appears and Sephiroth tries to send it away.

When the man leans back, he holds the wires snaking over his body in one hand.

“Drop the shirt. Come on. You’ve got an appointment.”

A new wave of tension crashes over him. It shuts all emotions down again. He can’t stand it. It’s too overwhelming. It’s simply too much.

Gingerly, his body moves without him, slipping out of the chair and following the easiest path. He’s exhausted, he realizes. He hiccups as his mind throws Mariella back at him. His chin hits his collarbone as he bites the inside of his cheek. The memory weighs him down. This is just beginning. Whatever his life is going to be now, it is going to be like this. He stares at the multicolored wires pulling out from the bottom of his shirt.

The grief and pain threaten to overwhelm him.

There is no point for this, his practical mind says clearly then, it is time to conserve what you can. Everything hurts too much. He divides himself, splitting it down the middle. The deadness on one side and everything shaking on the other. The emotions, he compacts and shoves down deep. The dullness takes over. It makes him feel solid and safer. They can’t hurt what he can’t feel.

The door opens to another smaller room. Sephiroth catalogs what is in it. A table sits in the center. Two men, both scientists, sit on one side. One man has papers spread before him and the other has a laptop. A camera perches between them. Neither one looks up at him. On the other side is a single chair and a small box that Sephiroth recognizes. A smaller seat sits in the corner.

He doesn’t fight as he is set in the chair. The big guy plugs the wires into the receivers. He wants to push back but the threat of the gun on the big guy’s shoulder is too real. He’s almost died once. He’s not going to do that again today. Tears still roll over his face but he can’t feel why anymore. He stares at his fingers and locks them together. He sees a smudge of blood on his knuckle. He swallows.

The soldier pauses to look up at the scientists after all the wires are attached. A green light flashes on the computer screen.

“Hands.”

Sephiroth offers the cuffs. The man produces a plastic tab and swipes it over a sensor. It chirps and they release. The end of ache and weight makes him close his eyes. These are the little things. He should concentrate on that. He lets his hands fall into his lap.

“Think carefully here,” Big guy mutters in his ear and steps back. Sephiroth doesn’t breathe until the chair in the corner squeals.

“We want to start with your name. Please state it for the record.”

Sephiroth takes a deep breath. Emotions break up through his walls and he swallows them back down. His knuckles tighten to white.

“Your name.”

They’re testing him for something. He tries to pretend that this is no different than before. He imagines that the cold voice from across the room is Mariella’s. That this is a checkup or an interview. He thinks about Charlie sitting at his feet, trying to chew on his shoelaces. His heart can’t believe it. A flash of hurt comes up in him and his chin dips down. Hair falls over half his face. Mariella isn’t here to brush it away like she used to.

“Answer the question,” Big guy growls behind him.

Sephiroth closes his eyes. He shivers. To live from now on, he probably has to do the best he can.

That life before is already distant. Sephiroth focuses on a scratch on the table’s surface dully. The camera lens digs into him, burning his face on a film.

He realizes he was mistaken, he has died today. The boy he was had died on that couch.

“Sephiroth,” he whispers and then tries again clearer, “My name is Sephiroth.”

He tries to disconnect from all of it.

Mentally, he runs away.

He feels every impact as he flees from this room.

All he can do is to keep running and hiding himself.

So he does that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I bet you didn't see that coming. Thoughts?
> 
> Thank you for reading as always. - Quin


	16. Once Again We Ask The Definition of Insanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sephiroth gets what he’s always wanted.

Summer 1984

An inconstant constant rhythm falls to Sephiroth’s life.

Every day they take him out of his cell and do things to him. Sometimes he ends up being asked pointless questions. His voice is rusty as he tries his best to answer. Sometimes it is a blurry horror. Pushing back is a faraway dream most of the time so he does what he can. He doesn’t speak until he is asked to. It is something that they can’t get past. His thoughts are his own and he keeps it that way. It is safer.

A gym-like room is very familiar to him. They train him daily. He is asked to lift heavy bars and weights. He runs on a treadmill until he gasps. He surprises himself. His body sweats and struggles but holds together as the scientists try to tear him apart. The differences he can see after a few weeks, the dips and muscles that appear, astonish him.

Everything is done with an iron grip. He is not allowed to express wants and desires here. They want information and data that only he can provide and they extract it. His head is kept exhausted. He works hard enough that he can’t imagine fighting his guards in the hallways most days. 

Sephiroth convinces himself that he has stopped feeling. Survival becomes a game of understanding. Everything is input and results of that input. His actions create a certain reaction. It’s clinical and unemotional. Only late at night do the cracks show in the darkness under his thin blanket. 

He tries not to think about home. The soft grass is growing outside in the front garden. He aches for his books. He misses his journal. Part of him still bookmarks things that he should write down. In the darkness, he imagines the leather of the cover and the softness of the pages. Eventually, his thoughts lead to Mariella. The hazy grief returns. Before his thoughts go too far, he drags himself back to the coldness of the room and isolates himself in the dark. 

These memories don't help him here. They only damage. That boy is gone now. He has to be.

Not feeling doesn’t stop him from trying to run away. Three times he manages to escape his room or the guards. Each time he doesn’t make it far. He can dodge the soldiers and their aim but he ends up banging frantically against a locked door. He’s not left this floor since they put him here. The elevators, the doors, everything indicating up or down are locked. That’s where they find him, smashed up against a door. They catch him then and he’s dragged back unable to stand. They keep him in his cell alone and with the lights off until he breaks.

After that, they send in Landon. He takes care of him but never looks into his eyes. He stitches cuts closed and makes him eat. He talks to Sephiroth but the words are empty and hollow. A curdled feeling lives in his heart when he sees Mariella’s murderer. 

It was about a week into this that he first saw Landon again. Sephiroth had grown incredibly ill. Muscle cramps, shakiness, rashes and headaches keep him in his bed. Only Landon took care of him. Had he been any stronger, he may have tried to attack him. Instead, he remains limp and unresponsive. Landon’s shoulders hunch. He moves quietly. Something tells him that Sephiroth is not the only prisoner here.

Still, he is smart enough not to bite the only thing that is helping him, not yet anyway.

“Are you going to talk to me today?” Big guy, as Sephiroth has decided to name him, asks as they march down the hallway to the examination room. He has his big hand on his shoulders. The handcuffs are tight today. Sephiroth keeps his chin up and counts the tiles between his room and their room. It is ninety-two. He counts it every time. It keeps him calm.

He’s almost thankful that they shaved his hair short last week. Big guy liked to grab it and pull back his head if he “misbehaved”. Seeing the silver strands hit the ground meant nothing to him. His looks never bothered him and when he sees a rare mirror, a gray gaunt preteen looks back at him. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself, it simply doesn’t matter anymore.

That is just another part of this living nightmare.

They would probably do a physical today, he thinks. He wonders what he will look like in the mirror this time. If the winged woman he’s been hallucinating will be behind him in the reflection again. Sometimes he can even hear her whispering nonsense in his ear.

His brain counts the ninety-second tile. His shoes scuff against the floor as he stops outside the examination door. It is good. Something remains the same. He’s grateful for it.

“Not today dumbass.” Big guy shoves him. He has to aim to hit a wall so he doesn’t fall entirely. The impact stings but he pushes off before the soldier gets the pleasure of dragging him back to his feet. Uncertainty fights in him before he forces it to wink out.

They break routine as they go past the examination door. He doesn’t look behind him. Big guy keeps one hand on the link between his handcuffs and the other wrapped around his upper arm. Sephiroth’s weight is on his heels. His brain continues to count tiles. A hundred and fifteen of them have passed now.

The smooth walls say nothing to him. Big guy’s breath goes faster and Sephiroth’s muscles start to tighten. Big guy is expecting a fight, he realizes, but a fight over what? This could be his chance. They could be leaving this floor of the complex. If that happens, he would run away as fast as he could.

He tries to prepare himself for it but reminds himself that the truth is he is probably going nowhere. 

They walk parts of the complex that he hasn’t been to. It all looks the same. Sephiroth only knows it is different because of a dead light bulb and the scrapes on the walls. On the two hundred and fifth tile, Sephiroth finds his answer.

They stop at a door labeled “Exposure Lab”.

Fear locks his throat. He resists as big guy tries to push him forward. A burning buzz is in the back of his head as if the mako is already in him. He can’t. He can’t do this again. The reasons why are not entirely clear but he can feel their outward dangerous shapes in his mind.

He’s so absorbed in his thoughts that he doesn’t see the slap coming. It rings his entire head. Big guy hits him in the ear and it vibrates deeply. It loosens his feet as he hunches forward. The door opens into a small room. He stumbles in. The equipment squatting in the middle of the room clicks in him instantly. The compressor, the dark tube feeding in and out, the shushing sounds it makes as it mixes air with mako, everything is so familiar. The only difference is the clear tube running from the back of the machine. It glows green as it runs to a huge holding tank that takes up most of the back wall. Inside, liquid mako moves with lazy bubbles.

The treatment table sits next to the respirator with a pillow and blanket that look like afterthoughts.

Landon stands next to one of the scientists that he’s come to know. He’s furious.

“This was off the table,” Landon yells at him.

The door clicks behind him. Sephiroth stops. His chest is tight. He can’t breathe. The room smells like dirt after a deep rain or the dry leaves in fall. He can’t do this. The soldier doesn’t fight him as they watch the conversation.

“It is one of the last steps,” the scientist responds, “it has been approved.”

“This will destroy him. Seven hours is leth-” Landon’s voice is frantic.

“Enough of this nonsense.” The scientist turns away. He looks at Sephiroth like he always does, something that he can break down into numbers and parts. Sephiroth barely notices. He has drifted away from his own body. Seven hours. Seven hours of exposure. He’s about to have seven hours with a machine pumping poison into his unconscious body. It’s too much. It is too dangerous.

“Careful kid. Make smart choices here,” big guy whispers in his ear and Sephiroth feels the edge of something metal press into the small of his back. Sephiroth can’t breathe anymore. That gun is aimed directly into the softness of his stomach.

The weapon is supposed to bring him back to reality. Part of Sephiroth knows this but it doesn’t. It snaps him in half. He’s endured so much. He’s given and given and this is how they pay him back. They are going to take away everything. He remembers the numbing burn in his body as he almost died in the snow a few months ago. He couldn’t find home. He couldn’t remember where he was. He had crawled back from that inch by inch, rebuilding himself again.

Now they are going to force him back there at gunpoint.

He can’t do it. 

It doesn’t matter the consequences.

Sephiroth moves. He yanks his bound wrists free of big guy. His left leg crumples, dropping him towards the ground and out of the initial range of the gun. He is frenzied. This is not one of his planned escapes. He needs to get away, even if it is just leaving this room. He’ll take the consequences for that. Shouts echo out around the room. Everything moves faster than his thoughts.

He stretches on the floor. His hands come under his feet and in front of him. A hand grasps his shirt, yanking him back. He rolls away. Another clings onto his ankle making him twist further away from the door as he turns. Sephiroth is more alive than ever as he kicks at the scientist holding his leg. Something cracks. The fingers let go. Sephiroth rolls onto his chest and pushes up with his hands. His shoes scrape against the tile. He struggles back to his feet.

The gun hasn’t gone off. Big guy won’t shoot him. They both know it now. Sephiroth staggers as he tries to find his place. The green mako light frightens him as he realizes he is even closer to it than he was before. The room is indistinct with fear. He tries to remember how many people are in the room. The big guy runs towards him, the butt of his gun poised to smash into him if he gets close enough. Landon stands frozen. The scientist’s face is bleeding as he rubs it.

Sephiroth spins trying to find the door. He needs to get out. Maybe they will think about what they are doing and stop. He can’t go back again. He would rather die. Leave everything here and go away. Sweat sticks to his back. The sight of the door makes his heart leap. It is across the room. He needs to get there. 

Big guy rams his gun at Sephiroth’s head.

He clasps the top of his skull. Sephiroth scatters back across the tile, tangling in his own limbs. He can’t concentrate on the pain. He pushes off the ground again. The soldier swears at him in colorful combinations how he was an idiot and a child. Hot blood rolls down the side of Sephiroth’s face and tickles into his ear. 

His feet wobble and he barely dodges the oncoming train of the soldier. The room totters. Sephiroth breaks into a run for the door. The scientist shouts something about a sedative. That makes him run faster and he slams hard into the metal door unable to stop himself. The doorknob drives the air out of his lungs. Lunch seizes up his throat but he swallows.

His handcuffed hands clamp around the door handle and twist.

Locked.

The door is locked.

The door is always locked.

Sephiroth gasps and it comes out in a cry. He can’t do this. He tries it again. The knob doesn’t move at all. The blood moves down the front of his face and he blinks. His eyes burn. He puts his foot up and yanks at the door. It creaks but doesn’t bust.

Big guy is on him again and he writhes away. Sephiroth manages to jab him in the side and the guard staggers back taking raspy breaths. Sephiroth flounders and falls into a metal chair. Now the scientist comes with something deadly in his hand. Sephiroth does the only thing he can think to do. He stands, grasps the folding chair and slams it hard against his attacker. The impact jars him but the man doubles over before falling backward. The glass part of the syringe breaks and spills sedative all over the floor.

Sephiroth is shaking and frantic. The door is locked. What is he supposed to do? He wipes his slick face and stares at the red handprints that he now makes on the chair.

The chair is slippery in his hands but it is his only option. He takes a few steps back and starts hammering the doorknob with it. The metal clangs but the knob jumps slightly. He can smash it off and then open it. He glances on an upswing. Landon is still motionless in the corner across the room.

It doesn’t matter, Sephiroth tells himself, that man has failed him.

The chair comes down.

The knob is at an angle now.

The big guy straightens. Now he is properly mad.

The chair comes down again.

The knob crackles in response.

The big guy levels his gun. 

This time he puts it to his shoulder and aims down the scope.

Sephiroth can’t stop his escape. He won’t. Tears come to his eyes. He slams the chair down again.

A chirp interrupts both of them and then without any other warning, the mako container in the back explodes. Safety glass cuts Sephiroth’s arms. Mako gushes out onto the floor. The air fills with the sickeningly sweet smell of the planet. The scientist on the floor doesn’t move.

Sephiroth lowers the chair. He keeps looking at the empty container hoping that it is his imagination. It’s not. His shoes feel wet. It’s over. Even if he can break the door down, the exposure has started. The glowing liquid flows smoothly across the tile. A warmth takes the back of his head like an old friend.

Sephiroth is numbly pushed out of the way. The big guy’s keycard makes the light green but the knob is too broken to open. The soldier cries out and pounds against the door. Sephiroth stumbles away, his feet sloshing through the water. It’s not cold. The water is warm as it soaks into him. A buzzing is in his ears. He wipes his face again. The stinging is fading already. Drops of blood fall off his fingers and disappear into the green. The mako is in him, smoothing away the fear like a wave of exhaustion before a long nap. He wants to be afraid. He wants to fight but the stillness grows stronger than himself.

“I’m so sorry.”

He turns floating towards the voice. The glowing mako throws everything in strange shadows. The room is beautiful light green and the air is misty. Landon wades through the water. He’s wobbling to one side. The big guy’s pounding grows faint and then there is a splash as he collapses. Sephiroth takes another breath. He isn’t far behind them.

“I’m sorry,” Landon says again, “I wouldn’t have agreed to this. I didn’t know.”

Sephiroth’s feeling is gone in his hands. He snuffs. He can’t speak. Only weak anger is in him and even that is fading.

Landon takes another step and his leg collapses on him. He falls onto a table and coughs against it. Already he’s sliding off. The water soaks through his pants. He struggles to stay upright. His brown shoes look pointless in the green water.

It’s over. Sephiroth knows that. It takes special equipment to come into a room with mako. It will take too long. He’ll be gone by then. The air condenses with mako. Little droplets are forming on his nose.

Seconds disappear.

He finds himself crouching, up to knees in the water. The mako washes away all emotions. It soothes. His hands cup the water. It’s transfixing and beautiful. The glow is so strong that the edges of his fingers look transparent. He’s not sure how much Cetra he is anymore but even without the blood of the ancients, he can hear the song of the planet.

Landon whimpers and is quiet.

The song weeps deeply in his head and he understands. This is the blood of the planet taken away from its source. It is lost from itself, only fragments of memories and pieces that cannot fit together. The song fills him the same way that a bloody sunset calls to him. It is the end of something, the day is leaving with one more flash of light. It is temporary, beautiful and vast in the world.

Sephiroth struggles to his feet. Mako is supposed to burn although it doesn’t feel like it matters. His feet trip against the water and the floor as he goes to the nearest table. The planet drags against him, willing him to collapse but he delays the feeling one more time. Putting his hands on the table, he hauls himself up.

Then his energy disappears. All he has left is to lay down, fold his arms, rest his head and fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our boy finally gets to hear the planet!
> 
> Please toss your hate at me in the comments.  
> Thanks for reading as always -Quin
> 
> Also I want to welcome A on as my beta. I’m so thankful to have them in my life. They are an amazing writer in their own right who writes hilarious AGS skits on Twitter (AngealLovesYou).


	17. Returned to Sender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we discover the damage done.

Summer, 1984

Someone carries him.

Sephiroth feels so weak that his head rocks back and forth as the man runs. The song still warbles in his ears but the sounds of screams and gunshots break into his mind. He’s soaked. The warmth of the arms that hold him is strange. Everything inside him is still. It’s hard to put thoughts together.

“Stay with me kid.”

The face above him is familiar. More people scream. Sephiroth tries to remember but his memory is unmarked. The more he tries to place the strong features and the black hair, the less he knows and the more he is lost. The sword over his shoulder feels familiar. Sephiroth’s hand twitches. He’s held it. He’s sure of that. He doesn’t know how but it happened.

“Gast would shit himself,” the soldier says and adjusts the body in his arms.

Sephiroth coughs. Nothing hurts. He’s limp. The singing in his ears fades, giving him a little more room to think.

They run through a hallway. Other soldiers are around them. Some have guns and others have swords. His head rolls to the side and he doesn’t bother to lift it. Everything is happening to him.

“How were you still alive? You should be dead like the rest of them.”

Sephiroth doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t remember.

The hallway moves into a flight of stairs. He doesn’t feel safe but he also doesn’t care. Gunfire rattles off in the distance. His chest is weak but takes in the air he offers it.

Something bad has happened.

That thought grounds him. It makes him try to move his head back to stare at the man.

“What…” He tries the word but it rips up his throat. The sound is so quiet that the soldier doesn’t hear him anyway. He struggles to remember. He knows his name but everything else is gone. It is empty in his mind. Ghostly shapes and fractured images remain. Nothing makes sense.

The stairs end. A garage fills his sight.

“Sephiroth!” The shout causes a ripple of something in him. His head rolls towards the sound.

The soldier stops running. Someone is coming. His feet touch the ground. The man sets him upright and he finds that he can stand. Blood rushes to his head. It makes him spin until someone holds onto his shoulders.

When his sight clears, a woman stands before him. She’s still young but her eyes are tired and torn. Her arm is in a sling. Things about her seem familiar. The way that she holds herself. Her hair is braided as always. She’s crying. He stares at her, not closing the space between them. Should he know her?

“Please tell me you remember me,” she whispers and crouches down, holding his wet hands. “Come on, don’t be gone. Don’t be gone from me too.”

Her eyes search his. She digs into his mind and tries to help him find the piece of memory that would trigger everything. He looks to find it. Everything is all dark. Memories echo faintly back at him in his mind as he queries her hands and softness. She’s been in his life before. She knows him. She’s gone. She’s safe. She’s here. She shouldn’t be here. Those are the only things that he is sure of. The rest is shattered nonsense.

A word comes back to him.

“…Mariella?”

It’s a name.

The tears rush down her face.

It’s her name.

Something splits deep in his foundation. He steps forward into her arms. He’s crying. He’s crying so hard that it might break him in two. He can’t stop. Grief pours out of him from someplace he doesn’t understand. It keeps coming and coming and he feels like he’s throwing it up. The poison stings his throat and face. She swallows him up in her arms. His blood and mako stain her clothes. Her hands stroke over his head, his shoulders, his back.

“It’s okay. You’re safe now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ends part one!
> 
> Quite the ride, wouldn't you say?
> 
> Also, hey, look! Sephiroth is still an unreliable narrator! Welcome back Mariella.
> 
> Thanks for reading as always. -Quin  
> Thanks to A for betaing this chapter. You can find their FFVII work on Twitter (AngealLovesYou).


	18. Part II - Unconscious Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sephiroth struggles to grasp his new reality in Midgar.

**PART II:**

there have been so many times  
I have seen a man wanting to weep  
but  
instead  
beat his heart until it was unconscious.

  
-Nayyirah Waheed

*

*

*

**Chapter 18 - Flawed Logic**

August, 1984

_Remember._

Sephiroth's fingers dig into the comforter in his room. Part of his mind is blank. The emptiness is so big that no matter how far or deep he goes into it, there is nothing there. Nothing, he closes his eyes, nothing where there should be something.

_Remember._

He grits his teeth and pushes further into the blankness. It hurts. Every part of him wants to pull back into the safeness of the present. Shadows of memories hover in him but they don’t mean anything. They are gauzy, draping him things that he doesn’t understand: confusion, upset, pain, snow.

_Remember._

He remembers the concept of snow. That is easy. His mind shuffles through pictures of snow and how coldness bites his nose. When it snows, you need a jacket and a scarf. When it snows, it gets harder to travel outside. When it snows, it is winter. Sephiroth winces. These are facts. These are not memories. These aren’t the things that he lost.

Shinra has been trying for weeks to bring his memories back. The doctors have tried everything. Every time, he gets his hopes up. The letdown, the blankness that remains, hurts him until he can’t hope anymore when they call him in again. The last time, he sat in the office with things attached to his head and wondered about only trivial things. What will he eat for dinner? Will he eat alone in the corner again? How long will it take for him to stop smelling like fake lemons in R&D’s cleaning solution?

He knows it shouldn’t matter. Mariella goes over everything that he should know about himself but it isn’t the same. He wants to know them for himself. He wants to be normal. He wants to be like them.

The look on the doctor’s face today told him everything before the words came out of his mouth.“Your memory is most likely gone. You have some recollection, the shadows as you call them, but…maybe with time. Who knows what the Wutaian monsters did. The mako exposure was off the charts. It should have killed you.”

The doctor had taken his hand and held it, like it was a consolation. “You need to focus on this, the present. I am going to recommend that we do not pursue further treatment. I’m sorry that this happened to you. At least you are young and you still have your whole life ahead of you.”

Sephiroth was sent back to his room where he sits now.

Who he was is gone. Ten years of his life, they tell him, completely erased. He might have known the face of his mother before she died. Every Christmas, every summer, every friend he may have had, they were all gone. Mariella tries to help but there is something strange about what she says. A fakeness, a perfection, happiness that he is sure can’t be true because he can’t imagine being that happy.

_Remember._

His face hurts as he grinds the heels of his palms against his eyes.

A table with people around it. He was afraid. People talk as if he isn’t there. Food was served at the dinner table. Why was he afraid? A knife cut hard and sharp through meat. The memory winks out. Even the table is gone. He stands in darkness. The voices that were transparent in his mind are now smoke. Who was he? Why are all the things that he can remember bad? What happened to him before? His body is clear of scars. His hair is silver and his eyes are green slits in the mirror but they said that they came from Wutai’s mako.

The Wutaians are the ones that captured and experimented on him. It is because of them that his memory is gone. Sephiroth’s guts turn. He’s angry. Wutai shouldn’t have done that. It was unfair. They took away everything. It’s because of them that he is so helpless and lost.

He’s shaking. He could walk past his best friend and never know it. It’s all gone. It’s a gaping hole that will never fill. Already the damage has settled in the back of his head. It separates him. He looks at other people and he can see the color in the back of their eyes. Their experience, their history, the love that has filled them up. He’s hollow and empty.

_Remember. Please, please, please remember._

Tears work around his hands and run down his face.

“Hey there.”

Mariella stands at the doorway of the room. She crosses her arms with a smile that waivers.

Sephiroth lets his hands drop between his knees. His mouth is dry.

“I got the news.”

He nods. He looks at a scratch on the floor. It’s still hard to look anyone in the face. They tell him it is okay. A twitch in his mind still makes him look away before he is caught. His hair was shaved when he first got here, now it tickles his ears. He wishes it could be longer so he could hide behind it.

“Everything okay?” Mariella pauses, as if she is going to say more then stops. Her shoes make noise as she moves across the room.

Sephiroth’s fingers find each other. He clutches them so tight that they go white and ache. He wants to close his eyes and pretend that none of this is happening. She gets closer and stops. He stares at the deep scratch in the floor where the bed frame used to be when scientists slept here late at night.

Mariella’s face interrupts as she crouches down, coming into view. “You are going to be okay. Promise.”

His cheeks and nose hurt. He tries to believe her. His fingers tighten into fists. He squints and closes his eyes. Every question that he has shrivels and dies. He’s asked her to explain everything to him too many times. He won’t do that to her one more time. The answer will be the same as it always is.

“I thought we should do something fun. Are you up for that?”

He nods more automatically than real consent. Her lips twitch into a half smile before it falls off.

She takes him shopping. School is going to start soon and he needed to get some proper things for it. They have enrolled him in a private school that Shinra runs for their employee’s children. They are ushering him forward. They say that normalcy will be good. As they walk down the aisle with all these bright colors, he doesn’t understand. His brain isn’t big enough for this. All this stuff is foreign to him. R&D doesn’t have animal photos, logos, patterns or fun fabrics. When he sees a folder with a superhero he can’t help wondering if before he knew who this was before. The pain in his chest twists deeper.

Mariella keeps him going and directs him. Sephiroth choses from options. Things go in the cart. None of them make any impression on him. He’s floating in this strange place with no context. This is exciting, Mariella insists but he struggles as he picks out notebooks and folders at a store. The items are insignificant compared to his feelings.

Every person that they pass he expects to remember him. When their eyes gloss over him, he crumples inside.

“Did I have friends?” He asks quietly as he looks at two different types of pens. The packaging has words on them but he’s not bothering to read.

Mariella hums. “Not really. We were friends. Remember we traveled around for my job? We never stopped anywhere long enough to make friends.”

This is the same answer she gave yesterday. He lifts the pens in his left hand and then does the same to the right ones. Bright letters explain durability.

“My mom?” He pretends to look at the other one so he doesn’t have to look at her.

Her voice is softer. “She’s not with us, Sephiroth.”

“My dad?”

“They are all gone. That’s why I was looking after you.”

He nods and tosses the left package in. He’s getting a headache. Everything is compacting in him like a hard rock that he can’t move. He can’t move on from this like they are saying he will. How is he supposed to do this? Everything Mariella says is simple answers. It feels like she has neatened his life for him. She’s cut away the sharp corners. He’s always been a good kid. They are friends. Shinra has always taken care of him. She will continue to be here for him. It is a wall of phrases.

“Look. You do know something about yourself. You have a favorite color. Check out the cart.” She interrupts his thoughts.

He looks. Everything that has been tossed in the bin is the same color: black.

“You picked out everything yourself, right?”

He stops and thinks. It’s true. Everything in the bin is the same color: black. Something beaten up inside him looks up. The folders, the pencil case, the backpack, everything is shades of black. His hands cover on the edge of the cart as he peers at them. It is a solid fact. He likes the color. That understanding sits in his mind like a little candle in the middle of the unknown.

“How about this? A little experiment, hmm?” She moves quickly away from him. He takes a step back and follows her with his eyes. Experiments haven’t been good, no matter who they have been coming from.

She grasps a pink lunch box. “What do you think of this?”

That color makes him think of things that are too sweet and the color of his insides. “I don’t like it.”

“Sephiroth doesn’t like hot pink. We know that now,” she says this like it is big news. He turns his head. What is she up to? While most of the time, she’s interested in him, but this is something else, like she’s trying to make him feel better.

She turns back and grabs a yellow one. “This one?”

He shakes his head.

“What was I thinking?” She raises an eyebrow and that makes him smile a little.

The next one is blue. The color is rich and deep. It reminds him of looking out at a sky right after dusk. He frowns. He’s not seen that. His room doesn’t have windows.

“That one is…good, I guess.”

She puts that lunch box in the cart. “You like blue. You need a lunch box so we will keep this one as a contender.”

“I do like blue,” he says to himself. That is something that he can keep inside. A truth about himself that knows. It’s nice. The thought calms the whirl of chaos inside him.

Procedurally, they go through all the lunch box colors except for brown which she has to lift up a folder for him to “test”. They don’t stop there. The list expands beyond school supplies. He picks out some new shirts and pants in his new favorite colors. Mariella suggests a classical looking clock for his room but he decides on a modern one. The decision thrills him. These are things that he has done to make himself a person again.

In the end, the cart is a full jumble of items. A rug sticks out of his new backpack. New shoes are in a box. He’s chosen a small canvas print of a mountain to put on his wall about the desk. The strangest thing he takes is a stuffed toy dog. Mariella stutters as it goes into the cart. He watches a stream of emotions flicker past him. There it is again. Something that she’s not telling him about himself. She recovers by praising the choice. The button eyes look at him like they are waiting for him to solve this puzzle. He doesn’t know why he gets it. It is even in one of his least favorite colors.

They haul the bags into their rented car and then pile in to go back to HQ.

The bags are easy to carry as Sephiroth leads Mariella back to his room. They’ve given him a space tucked in the far corner of the first floor of R&D. There are several emergency “nap” rooms for staff. They took an isolated one and had given it to him permanently. It isn’t very big but he’s not really that big and otherwise he’s not sure where he would live. Mariella said that her apartment is too small.

They spread the rug over the scuff marks. The mountain picture looks like a window on the wall. Placing the clock on his desk brings him something close to a content feeling. Mariella fusses with the black backpack, making sure all the supplies are stripped of their packaging and put in the right pockets.

Sephiroth pulls the stuffed dog out of the bag. The eyes look blank but they echo something in him. His fingers automatically scratch under where a collar might have been. He tries to reach for the memory of why he does this but nothing comes to the surface. He doesn’t chase after it. They stand at a distance in his mind and he tries to enjoy that this means something to him.

The fingers dig so hard into the fluff that the body contorts.

“Well, it looks less drab,” Mariella says as she stands.

He nods. The toy goes on the bed. She’s right. The room has color and pieces of things that Sephiroth likes. The rug is soft under his feet as he sits on the bed. The desk has the clock and he’s put the little toy soldier, one of the only things Mariella saved from before, next to it. His dresser has clothes in it that he’s picked out. He realizes that he is not a broken patient stuffed in this room anymore.

“It doesn’t have to feel like home but does it feel a bit better?” She comes in front of him. His eyes flicker to hers and then they go to the left, to the dog.

“It’s better.” The words are true but soft.

“You’re being so brave.” Her voice is warm. “I want you to know that.”

“Thanks.” He doesn’t know about that. He’s been stumbling forward. It doesn’t feel like he is being brave. A fragment of something comes back to him as he stares at the toy soldier. He looks up at her, sharply. “Did I know someone named…Orlin?”

Another stutter in her face that she hides by sitting on the bed next to him. “You used to. He works here. You two have met once or twice.”

The name gives him a wave of feelings. He remembers laughter and dizziness.

“Can I see him?”

She blows out a breath and stares at the ceiling, thinking. Sephiroth looks down. It is too much to ask. He should have known that. He should be happy with what he has.

“I’d have to see. He’s a busy guy. He’s a SOLDIER, he works to protect this place,” she says finally.

“Okay.”

It’s her turn to nod, look at the rug and then finally return her gaze to him. “I’ll look into it, promise. Look, in a couple days, we will get you a haircut. Start thinking about what you want.”

“Okay.” He feels funny so the one word answer is the only that he can give. She is trying to fill the void that is in him. He’s thankful for the help. The room does look better but he’s still alone as he sits next to her.

“School will be good for you. There will be new friends there.”

He nods.

Mariella leaves without saying goodbye. Sephiroth watches the door close. His eyes roam around the room. Regardless of everything, it does feel better. He wants what he had before. He wants to be whole. She’s gone over everything before the kidnapping over and over again but it isn’t the same. He grasps the toy dog and sits it on his lap.

Why?

Why did this happen?

Why did Wutai make him this way?

They sit together for a long time until Sephiroth collapses on his side, buries his face in the fake fur and drops into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each of these parts could stand on their own because they complete their own narrative arcs so welcome to part 2! Ominous enough for you yet?
> 
> What do you think?
> 
> Thanks for reading as always. -Quin  
> Thanks to the ever insightful A for betaing this chapter. You can find their FFVII work on Twitter (AngealLovesYou).


End file.
